Tuesday, January 08, 2008

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

I've been meaning to do this post for a loong time. Since this blog started, probably. I can't believe I haven't done a post worshipping my favourite comedian (and future baby daddy), Demetri Martin. There's not really much I can say, so I will just have to fill this post up with the heart-stoppingly hilarious quotes of Demetri Martin.
Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. "How was breakfast?" "Unbelievable."

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I heard this lady say 'I love kids.' That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying 'I like people, for a little while.' 'How old are you? 14? Fuck off!'

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I think it'd be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, and the paper clip popped up and said, "It looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need some help? You should use stronger language, you'd get more money!"

I was in a shoe store and I asked, “Can I get those sneakers in a 10?” And he said, “Okay” and then he went downstairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be retarded for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you.

21 comments:

bronwyn said...

Brilliant. Donnot have a heart attack when playing charades. had to read that one out aloud to my husband:):)

Tru said...

haha that's priceless...off to go watch some videos of him on youtube right now

Carolina Lange said...

Hilarious! Briliant! Loved this post!

Unknown said...

I love Demetri Martin! He's funny and gorgeous, and kept me entertained during a lonely bout of strep throat last year.

Katelin said...

Haha, that's hilarious. I love the fly swatter one. And the heart attack during charades...good stuff.

SICK. said...

he's absolutely funny :]

x.
jh

LDF said...

Hey!
Dane Cook does a really similar bit about a shoe store.
I like the grape thing.
p.s. I tagged you..........

Alexa said...

i can't even explain my love for demetri martin. he is absolutely amazing and i adore him.

Alexa said...

ps. can i get some b batteries?

Stephanie said...

HAHAHA sounds like my kind of comedy :)

Anonymous said...

is it bad that I haven't heard of the man? but his looks alone have drawn me in...

oh god, I sound shallow

Anonymous said...

haha never heard of this genius, but like i just said he is a genius

omg the quote about sort of and heart attack is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Haha I loved this post, the quotes were great.

Wendy said...

Haha! He is so hilarious!

Sister Libby said...

Bahaha! The Fruit of Hope! Funniest thing I have heard all day. Thanks.

Ella Gregory said...

You know when someone really reminds you of someone and you can't place who it is?
Well I have that looking at his face
It is very annoying

-S said...

At first glance I thought he was James Blunt, which of course puzzeled me, and then I read on. Now of course I am interested, and might go search for him on youtube!

Cate said...

oh this quote about "i'm sorry" and "I apologize" is great. the others are hilarious too...

Rebecca, A Clothes Horse said...

Oh my, he is hilarious--quick and funny.

Jill said...

Those are hilarious! They're probably even better with proper pacing. Ha. Great!

WendyB said...

Highlarious!!!!!