strange fascinations fascinating me

A few months ago, I added a ridiculously addicting feature to my blog. Look to your right (or, if you're a bit behind and this isn't the most recent post, up and to your right)...it's called Feedjit. And, hey, look - that's your city that just arrived on "ashcan rantings". That's right, I can keep tabs on you, and since when have I ever passed up an opportunity to indirectly stalk myself by stalking those who stalk me?
That's right:
Never.
I get a lot of fun information such as where you're from, how you arrived at my blog (search engine? Linked from another blog?) and where you left my blog to. But perhaps the most entertaining information I get is what people typed into Google to arrive at my blog. The most common entries range from obvious ("ashcan rantings") to creepy ("sharon tate dead body" - please, enough!) to pretty freaking rad ("who the fuck is mick jagger?")
Sometimes, however, I get some really bizarre searchs linked to my blog. Case in point:

"did obama ever kiss his mother on her lips."
I don't know what's more disturbing - that someone actually cared enough about that to bother to try to search it or that they ended up on my blog. I can't imagine why that would be an issue for anyone, unless they are racist to the point that they're against a black man kissing a white woman even though they're related.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No, cuz what they needed was a good spin kick to the head.

"my love video asses"
(Saudia Arabia)
I'm not sure what this person was trying to say - "my love for video asses"? "asses in the 'My Love' video"? - but the fact that they're from Saudi Arabia explains why they had to turn to the Internet for this instead of simply turning on BET.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Well, I sure hope so; Saudi Arabians have as much right to marvel over how those girls got all of that in them jeans as we do. But seriously...do they get their pants altered or are they actually sold with all that space in the back?

"tight pants 'alex turner'"
(Serbia)
Well, wait a minute! This person only wants to see Alex Turner in tight pants - there's nothing bizarre about that! In fact, I consider it an honour that someone with such a noble quest found themselves on my blog.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
If they didn't at the time, by God, I'll make sure they get it now.

You're welcome, dear Serbian friend.

"just dance" "date rape"
(Buffalo, New York)
Ah, another searcher I feel a kinship with, for I too long felt that the popular Lady Gaga song "Just Dance" had strong date rape undertones. Seriously, let's examine some of the lyrics: "I can't see straight anymore"? "How did I turn my shirt inside out?" "Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic"? Adding to the equation the really creepy guy popping up with sleazy lines like "Shawty, I can see that you've got so much energy, the way you're twirling you hips round and round/I see no reason at all why you can't leave here with me"
Unfortunately, pal, that's not how it works. Just because you can't think of any reason why a girl shouldn't sleep with you, doesn't mean it's meant to be. In fact, I can think of a reason why she shouldn't leave here with you: because you're a silly, greasy Chachi who seems to be sadly uninformed of his lack of African heritage.


Still from the "Just Dance" video: Victim of GHB-spiked drink or typical drunken slut? YOU decide!

Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
If what they were looking for was the validation that they were not alone in seeing these creepy vibes in an otherwise wicked (though hideously overplayed) song, then, yes. And I'll have to thank them, for they gave me the very same.

"What does he think when we kiss?"
(Lewisburg, Pennsylvania)
This case is also a bit sad, as this person is clearly confused about the nature of Google. It's not like a Magic 8 Ball, where you type in your query and it goes, "Well, Tammy, what your man friend is thinking is 'I wonder how much longer I have to stroke her hair before she lets me get up under the bra?'"
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Essentially, no, I can't be sure. But if I know guys (and let's not kid ourselves, I really don't), he's probably trying to determine from the amount of tongue you're using how far you're going to let him get that evening. Hint: easy on the tongue, try to keep it neat and practice safe sex.

"harry hopes cary ill"
(Illinois)
Yeah...I'm just as baffled as you are.

"do canadians have people on new naked?"
(Montreal)
This is a bit confusing, as Montreal is (for the most part) still in Canada, as far as I know. I can only guess that they were asking if the anchors on the evening news are naked - which I'm pretty sure they aren't.
The other possible option is that this person is wondering whether Canada has settings that we put ourselves on - like "I'm on naked, she's on clothed (oh shit)". And then, on top of this bizarre setting, we have a new sort of "naked". Again, if this system exists, I sure missed the memo.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I think what this person needs can't really be found on a humble blog such as this.

"alex turner not good looking"
(Perth)
I don't know what sort of crazy talk this person is into, but the only acceptable option I can think of is that this person one day woke up and asked themselves, "Is it possible that there is a picture of Alex Turner where he's not looking damn fine?" Who among us has not wondered the same thing?
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No. The unflattering picture of Alex Turner is simply a myth, kids.

"I wont to kiss zach efron talk a photo to kiss"
(Maryland)
You know, it's amazing how grammar and spelling falls by the wayside on Google. But more amazing is how any sort of common sense seems to evaporate at the sight of those blue, yellow and red letters.

To attempt to decode this disturbing search, we must first break it down. It appears this person "wont[s]" to kiss "zach efron." It's entirely possibe that she (really, let's assume it's a young girl - this case is nauseating enough without imagining otherwise) knows a boy from school named Zach Efron, but sadly, evidence points to the shocking fact that many girls (at least 27) want to kiss the celebrity Zac Efron. What's really confusing is the "talk a photo to kiss". No matter how I reconstruct it, it doesn't work (or become anything but unsettling).
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I'll give you this and that's it:


Have no fear, I will continue to track the disconcerting things people search and keeping you readers informed!