Monday, April 02, 2007

brace yourselves, a long post at last!

You Americans have been plagued by High School Musical for far too long. In Canada, it's not the smash obsession it is in the States. When I went there this summer and there was High School Musical e v e r y t h i n g, I was sort of taken aback, because in Canada, most people hadn't heard of it. It's more wellknown now, but I'm very pleased to say we haven't been buying our kid's High School Musical backpacks and tickets to High School Musical on ice. I saw the movie (and I'm tired of typing it out, not to mention the itallics) with my eight-year-old cousin, who worships Zac Efron (shudder) and I found it very hilarious. For one thing, who would believe that someone who looks like Vanessa Hudgens (third from right, and please take a moment to admire her 'rocker' pose...no, your eyes aren't fooling you...she really is that hardcore!) would be geeky and unliked? The girl could be a deaf mental retard with body odour issues, and still all the guys would be begging to have a roll in the hay, knock boots, have sexual intercourse with her. Ashley Tisdale (second from right) gets kudos from me as the snooty bitch...definitely some believable thespian work. (No, I wasn't trying to type 'the lesbian'...that's fancy theatre for 'acting') And speaking of homosexuality, the guy on the right was magical...I really felt his pain of having to hide his lust for men from his bitchy sister and work out his frustrations through musical theatre. Wait, that sentence didn't make sense...trying to prove his heterosexuality through musical theatre? Best stick to that awesome pseudo-gang sign you're making. You just look like the kind of horny frat boy-type who'd tap his sister just because she's hot...but at least you're straight!
I actually really liked the idea for Disney Channel to make a Romeo and Juliet type movie. I couldn't wait for the gory deaths at the end...but wait, what's this? Some really shitty sing-along? Possibly involving basketballs? The credits? What happened to Gabriella drinking some poisonous concoction that her genius self was able to make? And Troy stabbing himself with the broken shards of the beaker she had used to make said poison?
People, people, if you're going to do Shakespeare, do it right.
(Oh my God, my High School Musical rant was just supposed to be a kind of introduction for my post. Lucky you, this means the longest post in the history of Ashcan Rantings.)
What it all comes down to, is who do you have to thank for High School Musical? Who's the skeezy culprit behind this butchering of Romeo and Juliet, this telling preteens, "High school rocks! It's all one big musical!"? It's the same asshole who gave us Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan.

The Disney Channel.

It sounds so simple, so innocent. Disney...la, la, la, la, la...the Lion King! Peter Pan! Cinderella! Snow White and the Seven Fucking Dwarves! Who doesn't love Disney?
No, my friend, this isn't dear old Walter the Sort-of Shifty and Sick, but We Love Him Anyway. This is a brand new, well-oiled, polishing, censoring, glamorizing, superstar-making, but more importantly, money-making machine. The Disney Channel.

Ashley Tisdale and Miley Cyrus

"Ashley's my best friend!" -Miley Cyrus
"Dylan and Cole are like my little brothers!" -Ashley Tisdale
"Dylan and Cole are some of my best friends!" -Miley Cyrus
"I knew Zac for years before we did High School Musical so we were already friends." -Ashley Tisdale
"When I'm hanging out with Zac and Ashley and everyone..." -Miley Cyrus
You just know all these kids hate each other right? You put a dozen or so kids, all vying to be supermarketable, triple threat (every Disney Channel star has a singing career, with very few exceptions), let's face it, surely egomaniac teenagers together, there is going to be drama. This is Reality TV's wet dream, but you know the Disney Channel would never allow it.
All the interviews are so orchestrated from behind the scenes, and it's so obvious. I almost want to be a Disney Channel Star just so I can have an interview that goes like this:

Preteen Magazines: So who's your celebrity crush?
Me: Well, I've always wanted to fuck Mick Jagger, you know? Hey, did you hear about how he had sex with Bowie? Is that a dream threesome or what?
Preteen Magazine [makes mental note to edit it to "Brad Pitt", the supersafe answer]: So how are you and your costars getting along?
Me: Oh, Lord, they're such little bitches. I have never met such self-centered brats in my life.
(Publicists rushes out, fires me immediately, takes all my money, because you know they have scarily detailed contracts)
But at least I've got my dignity.

Cole and Dylan Sprouse aka "Cody and Zack"

Oh and speaking of celebrity sex? One final note:
I'm so going to deflower Cody.

40 comments:

maya said...

the suite life has to be one of my favourite kids programmes (3rd best after fosters home for imaginary friends and pokemon).
the guy was 17ish and actually looking back he was pretty hot but when your best friend is being asked my a parisian stoner at 11.30 at night you don't really look at the guy and go "hm, i'd tap that".

Money Miss said...

My friend is obcessed with Zac Efron. Not healthy.
When I was 10, I wanted to be on the Disney Channel. I wanted to be one of those stars...
Thankfully, I am older and wiser now. Besides, my drama teacher would actually probably kill me. I'm serious. KILL ME. I get enough hassle about sounding like "a valley girl" because I don't pronounce "ts" properly. Hmm, this is a rant as well! Harhar.

Emma said...

yeah i'm sorry.
but cody has already BEEN deflowered by yours truly.
you can have zach. the fatty.
wait maybe cody is the fatty.
oh well, more cushion for the pushin'.
jk jk those boys are like 9.
i used to f-n LOVE disney channel- the classics, like boy meets world.
but now all this new shit sucks.
i do have a secret love for hannah montana though. i spent like four hours watching it with my friend eli. we're so sad.
ugh, i HATE high school musical. everyone at my school loved it last year and i had like 3 minutes of love for it and then it made me want to hurl up my beef jerky.
i don't really eat beef jerky.
i just wanted to be poetic.

L. said...

You take Cody, I'll take Zac. Everyone is crazy about HSM down under too, in a ridiculous way. It's like I woke up one morning and kids had stopped singing about Dora the Explorer and had started singing 'Bop to the Top', which has very clear sexual undertones.

As far as I am concerned, High School Musical is only good for getting drunk to and changing the lyrics to pay the other people at the party out (This only happened once, I promise).

Thank you for the compliments. However, I'm 90% sure that I don't actually look like that.

alexgirl said...

Hah! Awesome post. You're so right it's not even funny. All it is is merchandising, and I can't believe their parents let them do that shit. Not just let them, f*cking cultivate them for THE DISNEY CHANNEL. so sad.

ps-it took you 2 years to find a copy of Valley of the Dolls? i coulda lent you mine (i luv that book for all it's tawdry glimpse into self destruction.)

pps-i feel like i'm following you around the bloggosphere: i just went to Maverick Life and Touche19 to ask them why they haven't posted and saw your comments asking the same thing. i'm so pathetic. ;)

MOLLY GRAY said...

hey.. i think the same!.. who would say that vannesa hudgens would look like a geek!.. that is very absurdit.
cya,
+molly g.+

Anonymous said...

get a life- dont you dare make fun of disney channel!!!!!! miley, ashley, cole, and dylan are really friends!!!!

Emma said...

hahahaha who's anonymous?
people get very territorial about disney channel don't they.
and i'm sorry to say it, but who should get a life in this scenario? innocent blogger (molly) or scary violent disney channel fan?
not that i wouldn't throw down for the CLASSIC disney. like mulan, with the curiously attractive soldier dude. or the lion king. is it wrong that i think simba is the hottest lion ever?
hey, if you can have an old man fetish i can have a cartoon character fetish (jimmy neutron.mmm)
but i actually had a point, what was it?
nope, i didn't, just wanted to rag on Angry Disney Fan.
omg i bet the blond weirdly toothy girl and hannah montana totally HATE each other. right?

WAT said...

My dear musical muse soulmate:

DEFLOWER CODY? GOTTA SEE WHAT HE'LL LOOK LIKE WHEN HE GROWS UP. CAN'T WAIT.

Do you like the White Stripes too? Oh man, if you do, we are getting married.

molly said...

YES!! i was hoping for some hate comments from disney fans. this is awesome!
i just wish they hadnt been anonymous...maybe they'll come back and answer some questions.
firstly, HOW OLD ARE YOU? id really like to know
secondly, HOW DO YOU KNOW THEYRE ALL FRIENDS?
i dont know that theyre not, but it would be logical, wouldn't it?

and finally, i love me some suite life of zack and cody, so don't think im completely anti-disney

and emma, beating me to cody's bed...SCREW YOU. i dont WANT the fat one, hes a brat!

maya said...

i think anonymous is secretly one of the actors from the disne channel trying to cover up the fights etc.
or maybe one of the producers/directors/people who does stuff at disney?
or maybe just a very very enthusiastic disney fan who is a member of the club (is there a disney club?) and whos job is to look round people's blogs and send hate comments if they say anything bad about disney.

Oh, and also i said i love your blog as much as the idea of bowie and Jagger in bed together, which is actually so much it's unbeleivable.

stilettoheights said...

I will honestly say that this was the best read of the entire year, it totally just kicked "The Other Boleyn Girl's" ass.

beautiful, thought provoking, mean...

all the things I look for when making fun of stuff.

bravo

Meg said...

Beautifully said, they couldn't even contain High School Musical to N.America, it actually crossed the ocean to plague us here in England. I watched 10 minutes, got a Zac Efron is Deadmeat tattoo on my thigh and then stabbed my eyes out. I can't see shit but I'm okay with that.

coco said...

i find them all extreemly creepy.

CountryGirl_CityLife said...

So far in my life, I have managed to avoid all things High School Musical, so thanks, really thank you, a lot.

Gina said...

hahaha... I LOVE it!

Anonymous said...

ya mick jagger is pretty sexy in his cool, oldish ways i must admit. and i kno wut u mean abt the high school musical stuff. and how they are all "such good friends?" BULL SHIT! u were so right in actually being the first to just come right out and say that they are all snotty little rich bitches who just want some ass.

Regina and Renee said...

holy shit. ur blog is so good....i want to cry.


xoxo
Regina

ps. I <3333 MICK JAGGER!! such a hottie!! *goose bumpsss*

Regina and Renee said...

i kno this is pathetic, but personally, i love disney channel!!!!!! and i think that zac efron is amazingly hot. im not like obsessed. i dont have pics of him in my locker or anything, but i think he is hot hot hot. and i love high school musical too!! ur right about the vanessa anne hudgens thing tho, in reality, she would NOT be a geek, she is way too pretty!! well nice blog!!

~exoh~
ray

-ciao bella- said...

I hate High School Musical with a passion...seriously xx

*** MeMiLy EdD *** said...

well high skl musical came to england, it was so cute all the 4 year olds sang all the songs we soaring whatever crap it got so annoying after a while as i worked in a creche and boy they sang it the whole time

Tru said...

okay the deflowering cody thing slightly distributed me but other than that I hate High School Musical so its nice to see someone who shares my loathing....none of the people I hang out wiht watch it but it does seem like all their little sisters are obssesed with it...my friend was driven crazy for a few months by his little sister who blasted nothing but the high school musical soundtrack on her stero....lol I do like old school Disney though liek Beauty and the Beast but how could I now its what I grew up with......I also kind of like the Hanna Montana show, not sure why though *shrugs*

alluretone said...

i've never watched highschool musical and i don't even know what it's about, but it sounds pretty entertaining... and as for that zac kid- what's the big deal?! he's not even hot.

the lipstick lady said...

deflower?? oooh feisty, not zac then? or whichever one you didn't say. they both look the same.
p.s I stole your idea for a poll. apologies

Felice said...

BRILLIANT !

Felice said...

I HATE ALL OF THEM ! Oh and what happend to the guy who did boy meets the world. I would like him so much.

Elle said...

i dont even really think people like the movie ITSELF that much. it was stupidd. But zac efron is hot, so im guilty of watching... and zac and cody are under developed little annoying boys. but what can i say go head jump on em

sarissa said...

disney channel ruins lives, i've always thought- the actors can't act, they're all a little too squeaky clean and pally. nickelodeon- well, thats a different story..

I hated HSM when i first saw it.. after the first 4 viewings it bega to grow and yes i do now like it but it goes against everythign i believe in- powerful messages, teamwork, everyone being friends, being together, overcmoing stereotyypes, catchy music.. and vanessa h is totally unrealistic as the geek, i mean come ON how could that EVER be so? all the guys would be after her and in awe of her beauty and brains so lets face it, it'd never ever ever work like this. great post!

Sunniva said...

This was an incredible read, Molly..I enjoyed it enormously!

A few months ago, High School Musical was haunting me. I share a flat with a few of my friends and one of them became hooked. She bought the cd, the movie, the board game and she would have bought the actors if they were for sale. In that phase of hers, I woke up to "Breaking Free", ate breakfast to "Bop to the top", showered to "Start of something new" and went to sleep to "We're all in this together". And if that wasn't enough, it was played on the bus and every freakin' kid had it as their ringtone.Everywhere I went, there it was...

One day, to my great horror, I caught myself singing the songs I had learnt to hate. I was so down, I felt like I had to go to rehab or something. But luckily, one day my friend's cd disappeared (hmm..I wonder how that happened..haha, no I'm not that evil and even though I had thought of it, I would never have parted her from the cd which she loved so!) And therefore, the High School Musical phase slowly died out...

But I do have a confession to make, and I'm so ashamed to say it. But when my dear friend made me watch High School Musical with her, I thought that Corbin Bleu and Zac Efron were darn cute :p

As you probably guessed, I'M BACK! ;p And thanks for telling me about the biting of my idea..yeah I guess it is a form of flattery. Thanks for telling me I do it better, sweetie, you're the best! And your blog is one of my absolute favourites..probably THE favourite aswell!!

-S said...

i myself have never seen the high school musical movie, as i have no kids channels on my t.v (sad,i know) so i have absolutely no idea what people are talking about when they talk about it. seem's quite weird, but then again, i'd probably like it...

crystaljade said...

Would you believe HSM became very big in the Philippines too? Everyone talked about it for months, and Disney kept replaying it in different versions. I LOATHE the sing-a-long and dance-a-long versions. How 'bout a puke-a-long one?

fet said...

hahah i like the very last part of the post.

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