brace yourselves, a long post at last!

You Americans have been plagued by High School Musical for far too long. In Canada, it's not the smash obsession it is in the States. When I went there this summer and there was High School Musical e v e r y t h i n g, I was sort of taken aback, because in Canada, most people hadn't heard of it. It's more wellknown now, but I'm very pleased to say we haven't been buying our kid's High School Musical backpacks and tickets to High School Musical on ice. I saw the movie (and I'm tired of typing it out, not to mention the itallics) with my eight-year-old cousin, who worships Zac Efron (shudder) and I found it very hilarious. For one thing, who would believe that someone who looks like Vanessa Hudgens (third from right, and please take a moment to admire her 'rocker' pose...no, your eyes aren't fooling you...she really is that hardcore!) would be geeky and unliked? The girl could be a deaf mental retard with body odour issues, and still all the guys would be begging to have a roll in the hay, knock boots, have sexual intercourse with her. Ashley Tisdale (second from right) gets kudos from me as the snooty bitch...definitely some believable thespian work. (No, I wasn't trying to type 'the lesbian'...that's fancy theatre for 'acting') And speaking of homosexuality, the guy on the right was magical...I really felt his pain of having to hide his lust for men from his bitchy sister and work out his frustrations through musical theatre. Wait, that sentence didn't make sense...trying to prove his heterosexuality through musical theatre? Best stick to that awesome pseudo-gang sign you're making. You just look like the kind of horny frat boy-type who'd tap his sister just because she's hot...but at least you're straight!
I actually really liked the idea for Disney Channel to make a Romeo and Juliet type movie. I couldn't wait for the gory deaths at the end...but wait, what's this? Some really shitty sing-along? Possibly involving basketballs? The credits? What happened to Gabriella drinking some poisonous concoction that her genius self was able to make? And Troy stabbing himself with the broken shards of the beaker she had used to make said poison?
People, people, if you're going to do Shakespeare, do it right.
(Oh my God, my High School Musical rant was just supposed to be a kind of introduction for my post. Lucky you, this means the longest post in the history of Ashcan Rantings.)
What it all comes down to, is who do you have to thank for High School Musical? Who's the skeezy culprit behind this butchering of Romeo and Juliet, this telling preteens, "High school rocks! It's all one big musical!"? It's the same asshole who gave us Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan.

The Disney Channel.

It sounds so simple, so innocent. Disney...la, la, la, la, la...the Lion King! Peter Pan! Cinderella! Snow White and the Seven Fucking Dwarves! Who doesn't love Disney?
No, my friend, this isn't dear old Walter the Sort-of Shifty and Sick, but We Love Him Anyway. This is a brand new, well-oiled, polishing, censoring, glamorizing, superstar-making, but more importantly, money-making machine. The Disney Channel.

Ashley Tisdale and Miley Cyrus

"Ashley's my best friend!" -Miley Cyrus
"Dylan and Cole are like my little brothers!" -Ashley Tisdale
"Dylan and Cole are some of my best friends!" -Miley Cyrus
"I knew Zac for years before we did High School Musical so we were already friends." -Ashley Tisdale

"When I'm hanging out with Zac and Ashley and everyone..." -Miley Cyrus

You just know all these kids hate each other right? You put a dozen or so kids, all vying to be supermarketable, triple threat (every Disney Channel star has a singing career, with very few exceptions), let's face it, surely egomaniac teenagers together, there is going to be drama. This is Reality TV's wet dream, but you know the Disney Channel would never allow it.
All the interviews are so orchestrated from behind the scenes, and it's so obvious. I almost want to be a Disney Channel Star just so I can have an interview that goes like this:

Preteen Magazines: So who's your celebrity crush?
Me: Well, I've always wanted to fuck Mick Jagger, you know? Hey, did you hear about how he had sex with Bowie? Is that a dream threesome or what?

Preteen Magazine [makes mental note to edit it to "Brad Pitt", the supersafe answer]: So how are you and your costars getting along?
Me: Oh, Lord, they're such little bitches. I have never met such self-centered brats in my life.
(Publicists rushes out, fires me immediately, takes all my money, because you know they have scarily detailed contracts)
But at least I've got my dignity.

Cole and Dylan Sprouse aka "Cody and Zack"

Oh and speaking of celebrity sex? One final note:
I'm so going to deflower Cody.