Wednesday, April 02, 2008

what does his mother say when we kiss on the doorstep? (he has to be home by ten)

You may have noticed that my taste in men sort of veers away from the standard for teenaged girls (Mick Jagger? Jack Nicholson?), or at least teenaged girls born after the 60's. But sometimes, a "teen pin-up" (I hate to use that phrase, it's soo teenybopper) catches my eye.I typically loathe magazines like J-14, Teen Bop, Tiger Beat and what not. There are many, many reasons, chief among them these:


  • I hate magazines calling celebrities by nicknames, a la "Hils", "Cam", "Em", "Jen", etc. The extremely strained familiarity reminds me of the type of person who thinks they're "BFFs" with you after talking for two minutes.

  • I think it's shameful to journalism as a whole when the magazines use acronyms like "OMG" and "LOL" in print. I know it's aimed at preteens but it's embarassing!

  • The tabloid-esque complete exaggeration of facts. I'll quote exactly from http://www.tigerbeatmag.com/ "OMG...is Zac jealous? Uh oh! Did Zac flip when he found out MTV's Ryan Sheckler had a crush on V? We know all about it, and you can too. Just pick up a copy of May Tiger Beat onsale at news stands everywhere!" I'm not going to bother "picking up" a copy of May Tiger Beat, but I'm gonna hazard a guess and assume the article in question goes something like this: "OMG!! You'll never guess what happened when Zac heard about Ry's crush on his girl V! He shrugged his supercute shoulders and said 'No comment.' We all know what that means!" Middle school gossip at its most dithering and presumptuous.

  • The neon colour scheme is beyond obnoxious.

And yet...it's really not the celebrities' faults. They're really more like victims. And we've seen greatness emerge from this empire of glib nothingness...Mary-Kate and Ashley, in particular. And though you know a couple of these guys are just a few years and an undercover cop away from a gay scandal (I'm not going to mention any names)
Let me try a metaphor...sometimes, you're wandering through a nuclear wasteland, dodging toxic puddles and cracks in the dry, hard ground. And then you spy the most beautiful flower, its bright colours ravaging your senses and bringing you to tears. (Imagine that this metaphor is gross overstatement)


The flower metaphor was not cool. Nick Jonas isn't a beautiful flower in a nuclear wasteland. He is, however, probably the sexiest virgin I have ever encountered. It's grounds for a whole 'notha post, but I think vowing to stay a virgin until marriage is silly, like buying jeans without trying them on first. But, dammit, if that's the way things have to go, I guess Nick and I can get married young.
Okay, okay, let's not be ridiculous. I'm not one of those moronic girls I have had the misfortune to encounter while, ahem, researching this post ("ok so yall dont understand i literally freak out and have like anxiety attacks over the fact i dont know nick jonas!" "IM HONESTLY GONNA MARRY THIS MAN SOMEDAY :D he's just perfect! the voice, the looks, personality!! OMJ I ♥ NICK JONAS") I know, obviously, I'm never going to meet, kiss, marry, seduce, role-play, dominate or service Nick Jonas, as nice as that would be.


I shall just admire him and his fantastic style and beautiful hair from a far. Also, I can't say I like the Jonas Brothers' music. In fact, I can't even stand it. I strongly dislike it. Plus, the Jonas Brothers are such teases, always saying how they'd date a fan. They do seem like very nice guys but I can't imagine anyone would want to date the kind of person who is a Jonas Brother fan. I mean, let's review the facts: Jonas Brothers fans are creepy. Like, really creepy.

Aww, don't look at me like that. I ain't hating on your fans (much). And anyway, who'd want to marry a guy who allows himself to be photographed posing like this?

Unless, of course, he dresses like this:

28 comments:

Katelin said...

I admit, I was totally a Bopper girl when I was a teen. Looking back now they are pretty ridiculous, but I was obsessed! Haha :)

jayne said...

haha! loved the post! hilarious as always!

i used to love guys w/ spiky hair when i was that age, like freddie prince jr haha

i know exactly what you mean about purity pledges. it only garentees you'll break it, ahem Britney!, and then look like a hypocrite later.

ellie said...

Gotta love the locks, the lips..and those other parts..he's cute. Nick..

Me...um..lets call it creative nonfiction..

apollonia strikes again said...

Ahh! You changed your header!
The other one looked so professional. I mean how many people can say they have seen Ginsberg-quoting graffiti with their own eyes? You've gotta rep that shit!

But seriously, I think it worked a lot better than your current one. Not that the current one isn't nice, just not AS nice.

Jen (MahaloFashion) said...

I think i'm a little too old for the jonas brothers I just can't get into them! Your right though my tastes vary from young guys to very old guys it's funny

Sister Libby said...

You're an oddball. I mean that in the best of ways though...really. I would have never pegged you as a Jonas girl...

coco said...

There are some newsagents in London that stock American teen mags and the covers ALWAYS entertain me

LBIC said...

I don't get the Jonas bros hype. Sure, he's got pretty hair, but I just don't see it.

That being said, I totally used to buy Bop and J-14. I never read them but I used to get it for the pinups and posters of Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt. My walls were covered in pictures of them.

saray said...

i used to read j-14 and m all the time when i was ten!
please don't judge me !
it's just ridiculous!


the jonas brothers need makeover ASAP!

blazedanielle said...

Haha! My favorite part of this was when you wrote, "not to mention any names)!! Hahaha! You've got a talent for writing, and it's wonderfully refreshing and humorous!!

Adele said...

i reallyyy dont like the Jonas Brothers... but i do think Nick is absolutly beautiful! haha
Luckily in england we dont have ridiculous magazines like this but as me being a fan of most of the celebs like Zac n Miley i come across the reguarly and there just ridiculous and your totally right... the celebs are like victims!x

Cate said...

okay, i gotta admit he's hot. although that photo where he raises his finger to his lips is sooooo ugh. i'm talking like a pre-teen magazine i know, but i hate 'em too.
i actually don't like the jonas's brothers music, and i have a kind of warrior.attitude towards them because they led a very exciting battle against rupert grint (my favourite) in some online celebrity of the year contest. rupert won (HAAAAA-ha)
and i have a classmate who looks like zac efron, and my math teacher (a she) has a haircut like zac.

millicent said...

haha the jonas brothers dress nice, at least. their music isn't half as good as their clothes though.
my 11 year old cousin reads those magazines, and my other 12 year old cousin has the joan brothers posters ALL OVER the walls of her room (which are painted neon colors). i had to spend the night there once =\
but nick is kind of cute...

Sunniva said...

GREAT post Molly, I enjoyed it thoroughly !!

I must admit that Nick Jonas has the most gorgeous curly hair, and he dresses quite well for a 15 (?) year old..it reminds me a bit of Johnny Borrell's style

haha I cringe whenever I think of the time when I loved teen magazines and boybands..ah still, it's a phase everyone goes through one way or the other and it's kind of sentimental (in a weird way) to think back on it

and I have to compliment you on your taste in men..you have one of the best I know (and I'm quite picky ;p!)

Cordie said...

i love the jonas brothers---i admit it. im almost proud of it? no i wont go that far. but its grown into this weird obsession...i am only 5 years older than the little on. nick and the one with the straight hair are hot. and yes, they are teases with those damned chastity rings, what the fuck. if i ever see them in the city im just going to go for it and ask them for their sweet innocent virginity.
heres to hoping
cordie

Sarah said...

yay this made me laugh and not much does these days. Hate their music but will admit they're cute and dress better than every guy at my school.

riz said...

This is hilarious...I love your bullet pts as to why you hate teeny bop mags, esp #2 that it's shameful to the institution of journalism to see certain slang in print. PS - "Empire of glib nothingness" love it!!

WAT said...

Love this post, especially the silly rambling about Nick Jonas!

You won't believe this, but I have a bud who is only 20 yrs old and actually looks a bit like this Jonas kid.

HA!

bigglassesgirl said...

I love the fact that they have purity rings. Cracks me right up.

Secretista said...

Reminds me of my Nsync daysss.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

GAH my little sis is obsessed with the Jonas brothers and it makes me SICK lol.

Ana said...

I feel like such a weird teen, I don't have a crush on any of the Jonas brothers nor have I ever read one of those kinds of magazines.

Molly :] said...

haha. Nick Jonas is fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Even if he is a 'teeny bopper'


I love seeing the american teen magazines on the shelves- SO funny.

Funny, as always!

Anonymous said...

heres a pretty amazing blog
and hahaha (at the post im commenting on) very true

Fashion Ivy said...

I've never been into the Jonas brothers. Liked your post tho.

SICK. said...

hahahahhaa, i loved the flower metaphor.

but does this mean nick is slowly getting to arctic monkey boy (his name evades me right now)caliber ?



x.
jessica

the iron chic said...

I can't wait till one of them gets caught with their pants down. It's inevitable, like Britney....

Tru said...

he is quite the cutie