what does his mother say when we kiss on the doorstep? (he has to be home by ten)

You may have noticed that my taste in men sort of veers away from the standard for teenaged girls (Mick Jagger? Jack Nicholson?), or at least teenaged girls born after the 60's. But sometimes, a "teen pin-up" (I hate to use that phrase, it's soo teenybopper) catches my eye.I typically loathe magazines like J-14, Teen Bop, Tiger Beat and what not. There are many, many reasons, chief among them these:

• I hate magazines calling celebrities by nicknames, a la "Hils", "Cam", "Em", "Jen", etc. The extremely strained familiarity reminds me of the type of person who thinks they're "BFFs" with you after talking for two minutes.
  


• I think it's shameful to journalism as a whole when the magazines use acronyms like "OMG" and "LOL" in print. I know it's aimed at preteens but it's embarassing!
  


• The tabloid-esque complete exaggeration of facts. I'll quote exactly from http://www.tigerbeatmag.com/ "OMG...is Zac jealous? Uh oh! Did Zac flip when he found out MTV's Ryan Sheckler had a crush on V? We know all about it, and you can too. Just pick up a copy of May Tiger Beat onsale at news stands everywhere!" I'm not going to bother "picking up" a copy of May Tiger Beat, but I'm gonna hazard a guess and assume the article in question goes something like this: "OMG!! You'll never guess what happened when Zac heard about Ry's crush on his girl V! He shrugged his supercute shoulders and said 'No comment.' We all know what that means!" Middle school gossip at its most dithering and presumptuous.
  


• The neon colour scheme is beyond obnoxious.
  

And yet...it's really not the celebrities' faults. They're really more like victims. And we've seen greatness emerge from this empire of glib nothingness...Mary-Kate and Ashley, in particular. And though you know a couple of these guys are just a few years and an undercover cop away from a gay scandal (I'm not going to mention any names)
Let me try a metaphor...sometimes, you're wandering through a nuclear wasteland, dodging toxic puddles and cracks in the dry, hard ground. And then you spy the most beautiful flower, its bright colours ravaging your senses and bringing you to tears. (Imagine that this metaphor is gross overstatement)

The flower metaphor was not cool. Nick Jonas isn't a beautiful flower in a nuclear wasteland. He is, however, probably the sexiest virgin I have ever encountered. It's grounds for a whole 'notha post, but I think vowing to stay a virgin until marriage is silly, like buying jeans without trying them on first. But, dammit, if that's the way things have to go, I guess Nick and I can get married young.
Okay, okay, let's not be ridiculous. I'm not one of those moronic girls I have had the misfortune to encounter while, ahem, researching this post ("ok so yall dont understand i literally freak out and have like anxiety attacks over the fact i dont know nick jonas!" "IM HONESTLY GONNA MARRY THIS MAN SOMEDAY :D he's just perfect! the voice, the looks, personality!! OMJ I ♥ NICK JONAS") I know, obviously, I'm never going to meet, kiss, marry, seduce, role-play, dominate or service Nick Jonas, as nice as that would be.

I shall just admire him and his fantastic style and beautiful hair from a far. Also, I can't say I like the Jonas Brothers' music. In fact, I can't even stand it. I strongly dislike it. Plus, the Jonas Brothers are such teases, always saying how they'd date a fan. They do seem like very nice guys but I can't imagine anyone would want to date the kind of person who is a Jonas Brother fan. I mean, let's review the facts: Jonas Brothers fans are creepy. Like, really creepy.

Aww, don't look at me like that. I ain't hating on your fans (much). And anyway, who'd want to marry a guy who allows himself to be photographed posing like this?

Unless, of course, he dresses like this: