Friday, January 16, 2009

in a notion ocean, daddy tropical storm, little piece of bargain home, please don't get caught, alright!

I know you, O dedicated Ashcan Rantings readers.
Your first stop on the Internet? Right here. A new post? You're all over it: you peruse (by the original definition) it three times, check out all the links, save the pictures, look up the title on Google (which you noticed for about a year now is always song lyrics), leave what you hope is a really witty comment (it isn't) and then continually check up to make sure no one comments anything wittier than you afterwards.
Yeah, I can read you like a book. I'm not saying I'm not flattered. It warms my heart (but only figuratively) to see your kind words. And at the same time, I'm not saying you're the reason I get up in the morning (the reason I get up in the morning is to caress my Eddie Hazel album and remind it that it too is loved), but my life would be a fraction less really-fuckin-rad without you.

That being said, I feel it is my duty as your guru to hip you to another amazing website.

Cracked is a comedy website and....well, I won't beat around the proverbial's genius. There are many aspects to its brilliance:

There's the fantastic videos by the incomparable Michael Swaim.

6 Viral Videos that Qualify as Child Abuse

There are the interactive Craptions: "Timmy failed the 'Pick Which Tank The Fish Is In' test, confirming his parents worst fears that he was, in fact, a fucking idiot."

But, best of all, there are the lists. If you've been faithfully reading my blog (and I know you have), you'll know that I'm something of a fan of lists. From the 5 Celebrity Wikipedia Entries They Clearly Wrote Themselves to the 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings, I think I've learned more from than I have from 12 or so years of schooling, and been more entertained than I have from eighteen billions episodes of Simpsons (and that's not to say I don't find the Simpsons amusing, because I do, it's more of a testament to the importance of in my life)

Let's please take a moment to appreciate the epic-ness of how run-on that sentence really was.

Perhaps my favourite of all of's articles is the 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever. A petit sample to whet your appetite:

The Lyric:
"I get paid to rip, step aside, Im'ma blow you." ("Act Like You Want It" by Black Moon)
What He's Probably Saying:
"I get paid to be awesome, now get out of my way before I shoot you."
What We Like To Think He's Saying:
"Relax, I do this for a living, move a little to the left so I can give you oral sex."

The Lyric:
"Now, I never had my dick sucked by a man befo', but you gone be the first, you little trick-ass ho." ("Dollaz + Sense" by DJ Quik)
What He's Probably Saying:
"I'm so much of a badass, you're basically a woman in my presence, so I'm gonna make you blow me."
What We Like To Think He's Saying:
"I've never done this before, you know, let a guy put my junk in his mouth. This is my first time. You little trick-ass ho."

Yeah, there's more where that came from. And you know what? It's updated daily so there's pretty much humour coming atcha faster than you can giggle at it. I know you like that.
So what are you wating for?? In case you couldn't figure out the many links above, I'll make it extra big and simple for ya.

For those rare moments when Ashcan Rantings alone can't do it for you...


this wheel's on fire said...

chuu soo crazzzy!! (was that witty enough?) xxooxxoo

Katelin said...

seriously i heart you, haha. and i've been to that site before, so funny, gotta love it.

Eyeliah @ said...

my comments are NEVER witty...but I sure I speak for everyone when I say we read your posts 3 times and save all the photos. lmao you are so fab.

ellie said...

Glad I didn't miss this one. It so cracked me up.

Sarah Von said...

I love cracked so hard! I'm afraid you've discovered another one of my online haunts that I frequently use as a resource for my 'web time waster posts'

I expect you to keep quiet when you see link after link pointed towards cracked hilarious, hallowed halls.

julie said...

ashcan rantings will always be enough.

julie said...

oh, and don't kid yourself. i never look up your titles. ;)

Maya said...

Readers are getting a little sychophantic I see...
Do you think you could tell me your top 5 favourite blogs or something as a starting point for me? I know it's abit of a hassle and I'm sorry but I'm feeling pretty lost in the internet right now. Fankyou.
And that site is hilarious. So good for procrastination. Haha.

Keith said...

Hey Molly. Wow! So cool. I'll definitely have to check that site out. You rock! I love your blog. Have a great weekend. Cheers!

this wheel's on fire said...

yea ringo does look like eric there! it must be the sexy beard ;)

Mimi said...

Love sites like this, I can get addicted to but I also get addicted to you blog I love your blase-ness... I heart Molls

I am not sure my comments can be witty... Lol


The Clothes Horse said...

I'm not sure if I'm frightened by that website, or excited to check it out...probably both.

Cate said...

"leave what you hope is a really witty comment (it isn't)" - Well you're mean Molly ^^
I do check out all the links.
But I don't save all the pictures ^^
20 Baby Products great for Traumatizing infants - a baby in a hamburger, that really "cracked" me up - ohh aren't I witty?
The lists sound... Great. I'll check them out right now.

"Paul Stanley is often credited as being the most identifiable member of Kiss by people outside the fan community."
[from the WIkipedia entries list - of course.
Why the **** is Bruce Willis' residence on Wikipedia?? Maybe one of his ex-girlfriends wrote the entry.
SOme rap lyrics are seriously daft ^^
And now I'm intrigued about the 25 worst rapper names. Thanks for the recommendation of the sire.

Molly said...

heheheheheh cracked is SO funny :)

jess said...

I've never heard of that site before and I checked it out. Its hilarious.

thedrifterandthegypsy said...

i love your writing. it reminds me of sister libby's on ice cube confidential. so entertaining to read. and i know that comment wasn't witty, but oh well...i'm never witty at all anyway...

Aisha said...

Gotta check that site now! said...

lol. The fruits were quite tasty, I must admit. Personally, humor-wise, I can't go past funny cats. They get me every time with either a 'awww' or 'hahahaha'. :)

Sister Libby said...

All I think of saying when I read your comment (the life goals one) was "Girrrrl, you so wise!" So yeah, I think I know what I want to do. It's sort of a relief, but I've been quite used to being the no goals drifter that I'm sort of bummed to have to actually persue something. Does that make any sense? Meh...I'll probably end up like, writing travel brochures, but hey maybe that will kick off the tortured part of my life.

anna said...

THANK YOU for showing this site, I have never laughed so much in my entire time at the internet heh. xxx /A.