Friday, January 30, 2009

strange fascinations fascinating me

A few months ago, I added a ridiculously addicting feature to my blog. Look to your right (or, if you're a bit behind and this isn't the most recent post, up and to your right)'s called Feedjit. And, hey, look - that's your city that just arrived on "ashcan rantings". That's right, I can keep tabs on you, and since when have I ever passed up an opportunity to indirectly stalk myself by stalking those who stalk me?
That's right:
I get a lot of fun information such as where you're from, how you arrived at my blog (search engine? Linked from another blog?) and where you left my blog to. But perhaps the most entertaining information I get is what people typed into Google to arrive at my blog. The most common entries range from obvious ("ashcan rantings") to creepy ("sharon tate dead body" - please, enough!) to pretty freaking rad ("who the fuck is mick jagger?")
Sometimes, however, I get some really bizarre searchs linked to my blog. Case in point:

"did obama ever kiss his mother on her lips."
I don't know what's more disturbing - that someone actually cared enough about that to bother to try to search it or that they ended up on my blog. I can't imagine why that would be an issue for anyone, unless they are racist to the point that they're against a black man kissing a white woman even though they're related.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No, cuz what they needed was a good spin kick to the head.

"my love video asses"
(Saudia Arabia)
I'm not sure what this person was trying to say - "my love for video asses"? "asses in the 'My Love' video"? - but the fact that they're from Saudi Arabia explains why they had to turn to the Internet for this instead of simply turning on BET.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Well, I sure hope so; Saudi Arabians have as much right to marvel over how those girls got all of that in them jeans as we do. But they get their pants altered or are they actually sold with all that space in the back?

"tight pants 'alex turner'"
Well, wait a minute! This person only wants to see Alex Turner in tight pants - there's nothing bizarre about that! In fact, I consider it an honour that someone with such a noble quest found themselves on my blog.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
If they didn't at the time, by God, I'll make sure they get it now.
You're welcome, dear Serbian friend.

"just dance" "date rape"
(Buffalo, New York)
Ah, another searcher I feel a kinship with, for I too long felt that the popular Lady Gaga song "Just Dance" had strong date rape undertones. Seriously, let's examine some of the lyrics: "I can't see straight anymore"? "How did I turn my shirt inside out?" "Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic"? Adding to the equation the really creepy guy popping up with sleazy lines like "Shawty, I can see that you've got so much energy, the way you're twirling you hips round and round/I see no reason at all why you can't leave here with me"
Unfortunately, pal, that's not how it works. Just because you can't think of any reason why a girl shouldn't sleep with you, doesn't mean it's meant to be. In fact, I can think of a reason why she shouldn't leave here with you: because you're a silly, greasy Chachi who seems to be sadly uninformed of his lack of African heritage.

Still from the "Just Dance" video: Victim of GHB-spiked drink or typical drunken slut? YOU decide!

Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
If what they were looking for was the validation that they were not alone in seeing these creepy vibes in an otherwise wicked (though hideously overplayed) song, then, yes. And I'll have to thank them, for they gave me the very same.

"What does he think when we kiss?"
(Lewisburg, Pennsylvania)
This case is also a bit sad, as this person is clearly confused about the nature of Google. It's not like a Magic 8 Ball, where you type in your query and it goes, "Well, Tammy, what your man friend is thinking is 'I wonder how much longer I have to stroke her hair before she lets me get up under the bra?'"
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Essentially, no, I can't be sure. But if I know guys (and let's not kid ourselves, I really don't), he's probably trying to determine from the amount of tongue you're using how far you're going to let him get that evening. Hint: easy on the tongue, try to keep it neat and practice safe sex.

"harry hopes cary ill"
Yeah...I'm just as baffled as you are.

"do canadians have people on new naked?"
This is a bit confusing, as Montreal is (for the most part) still in Canada, as far as I know. I can only guess that they were asking if the anchors on the evening news are naked - which I'm pretty sure they aren't.
The other possible option is that this person is wondering whether Canada has settings that we put ourselves on - like "I'm on naked, she's on clothed (oh shit)". And then, on top of this bizarre setting, we have a new sort of "naked". Again, if this system exists, I sure missed the memo.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I think what this person needs can't really be found on a humble blog such as this.

"alex turner not good looking"
I don't know what sort of crazy talk this person is into, but the only acceptable option I can think of is that this person one day woke up and asked themselves, "Is it possible that there is a picture of Alex Turner where he's not looking damn fine?" Who among us has not wondered the same thing?
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No. The unflattering picture of Alex Turner is simply a myth, kids.

"I wont to kiss zach efron talk a photo to kiss"
You know, it's amazing how grammar and spelling falls by the wayside on Google. But more amazing is how any sort of common sense seems to evaporate at the sight of those blue, yellow and red letters.
To attempt to decode this disturbing search, we must first break it down. It appears this person "wont[s]" to kiss "zach efron." It's entirely possibe that she (really, let's assume it's a young girl - this case is nauseating enough without imagining otherwise) knows a boy from school named Zach Efron, but sadly, evidence points to the shocking fact that many girls (at least 27) want to kiss the celebrity Zac Efron. What's really confusing is the "talk a photo to kiss". No matter how I reconstruct it, it doesn't work (or become anything but unsettling).
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I'll give you this and that's it:

Have no fear, I will continue to track the disconcerting things people search and keeping you readers informed!


maya said...

Hah! This is a hilarious feature, you should do it more often. And I forgot to say, thanks for the links to blogs, very helpful.

Jill said...

Very funny post. I've checked out the same thing from my blog. It can be really disturbing at times. I started to question whether or not my blog was too lewd!

Katelin said...

haha i love seeing how people get to my blog too, always so entertaining.

Dooder City said...

This is hysterical. I love it.

Miss Maybel said...

You never cease to be entertaining.

Where do you get these features from?

Eyeliah @ said...

Thank you for the tight pants pic and this was the funninest post yet. I am sooo adding that feature now. Um, maybe instead of talks a photo they meant take a photo.

Carolina Lange said...

Great post! Keep us informed, please!

this wheel's on fire said...

HAHAHA! CREEPY! I feel like you're watching me! HAHAHAHA

Allison said...

This is absolutely hysterical Molly! I love that you can look up "who the fuck is Mick Jagger" and come to your blog. Absolutely fantastic.

Now about the Bachelor, don't hate me, but I actually like Stephanie a lot. I know she looks completely like a drag queen, but I think she's sweet. I also like Jillian too :)

Have a great weekend, dear.

jess said...

That was hilarious. Its so strange that people think google is a fortune teller. You must do more of these.

Belle said...

Hilarious! Loved it. I think it just made my day. Now I wonder if/how people get to my blog, may have to add this feature.
belle said...

lol! I'm glad I stumbled upon Ashcan in a completely normal way. Strange. I finally did my top 20 men if you want to check it out! :)

Keith said...

Hey Molly. Wow! I had never really paid attention to that feature before. That is so cool. It's hilarious to see the different things people have been checking out. I hope I haven't been checking out something I wouldn't want others to know about. lol

julie said...

just more evidence that you are a genius of humor and composition. i loved this post. i get some weird searches leading to my blog, but nothing that compares to THIS. i have to say, i laughed out loud at "who the fuck is mick jagger?"
by the way, you commented on my death cab post that they opened when you saw neil young, but you missed their set. ironically, later that day i posted a social distortion vid. social d opened for neil young when i saw him, but i missed their set. (i don't know, it seemed funny to me...)

copperoranges said...

i love this!

also on the zefron .. i really do think guys do that shit ...

Molly said...

the just dance and zac efron very nearly made me pee my pants. in a good way of course :)

Sister Libby said...

Hahah...I enjoy seeing how people come across my blog also. The things people type in google, eh? I thought it was a very funny post.

Anonymous said...

hi there! sorry for the super late response, but in answer to your question from like a week ago, about the perks of being a wallflower, i don't think that Charlie is retarded, but he obviously has pretty bad depression because he sees the world differently than everyone else. he's like one of those people that you meet that doesn't have very good social skills and is kind of shy and reserved but extremely intelligent. the reason Sam liked him was because she thought he was cute (in a little kid way, not hot), and she felt bad for him, so she was nice to him, but didn't get into a relationship with him. I'm not sure if that's right, but that's what I thought...

Annabelle said...

Hahahhahahhahhahahhahahhahahahaha - this is the funniest post ever! Completely random how people end up at your site! I'm not exactly sure how I first arrived, but I'm DEFINITELY glad I did. Hope you've had a great weekend, with many random visitors arriving on your blog for all kinds of reasons.

Crazy Eddie said...

Cool. Did mine say pornotube? Kidding.

Loved this post. Didn't know such a tracker existed. You tech-girl you...

Did Obama kiss his mother on her lips. Disturbing.

Besos para siempre

The Clothes Horse said...

Oooh, I totally searched for tight pants and ended up here. ;) it feels as if the blogger is doing the stalking!

Keith said...

Hey there. Please check out my post for Monday on my Sugar & Spice blog. I've given you the Dardos Award. Your blog is one of my favorites so I wanted to bestow this on you. Cheers!

Crazy Eddie said...

PS. I don't have Maya's blog address saved, and when I clicked her link to visit her blog there was no link there also.

Hey Molly, maybe you can ask Maya is she can drop me her link so as to save it again. I attempted to visit her blog numerous times, but to no avail. Thanks love.


WAT said...

The human mind is more twisted than we want to believe it to be.


Mimi said...

Love this post! Definitely made me smile, hmm now I am thinking I should get this feature on my blog.