so kind of you to bless us with your effortless, we're grateful and so strangely comforted

Well, it's time for another exciting round of lookin' boy - oh, wait, no...it's just me making fun of the bizarre Google searches people made to end up on my blog, but the snark levels are still on high. Yo mama so slow she can't cook minute rice lookin' boy - zingggg. I've done it before - in January and in April, so I don't feel like re-explaining how this goes down. I'ma call "watch and learn" on this one.

"damn clip"
(Europe)
This is just plain intriguing. The location? Mysteriously, Europe. France? Estonia? Belgium? We'll never know. And what clip? A film clip? A paperclip? And why is it damned?
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
They have left me with infinite questions and no answers.

"am i creater of the world i feel that im the only one like me i think im all that but wat am i"
(Kentucky)
You're a teenaged boy smoking pot for the first time.
And I thought they did it up fried, not baked, in Kentucky! Ohhh, snap, I got some lookin' boy in me, yet.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
The correct spelling of "what"? I can only hope so.

"males forced into silks"
(Strathpine, Australia)
Oh, beautifully reminiscent of "men forced into silk nightgowns"...now that it's happened twice, one must wonder - is this a "thing"? Or are there really just two individuals out there with a yearning to see the simple yet surely-hilarious image that is men being forced into silk? If the latter, well, I guess that's what the world means when it says "soulmates". If the former...somebody hook me up with whatever is inspiring people to Google such awesomeness.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Sadly, no. But if either of these people see this, perhaps it will give them hope that there is somebody else out there for them. Or maybe just frustrate the fuck out of them that they're so far away.

"alex turner wants to have children"
(Kingston, UK)
Not sure if this is a declarative by a very well-placed source or somebody looking for a confirmation, but the main point is...why do you need to know? Are you thinking you might possibly be the owners of the ovaries that will aid in bearing said children? Because I'm sure that Alex Turner has placed high on his list of qualities he seeks in a baby mama "Googles my feelings on procreation".
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
A swift scissor-kick to the ego? You betcha.

"pinky nail of the devil"
(West Virginia)
I will bet you $100 that this was a teenaged boy Googling to make sure nobody has already taken the band name Pinky Nail of the Devil because he wants to use it for his heavy metal garage band.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No. I have no idea how this even linked them to my blog at all.

"when a we boy bits his lip wat dose it mean"
(Belfast)
As something of a spelling/grammar Nazi, you know I had a field day with this. I can't decide if it's meant to be "When a boy bites his lip, what does it mean?" (technically: "What does it mean when a boy bites his lip?"), but the "we" throws me off. Surely they can't be asking "When a wee boy bites his lip, what does it mean?" In any case, I don't think Google has the answers you're looking for, hun.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Because I'm such a giver, I attempted to look up the answer to this with the trusted (?!) help of cosmpolitain.com. I got so disgusted with the colour scheme and blandly attractive faces that I left and went to cracked.com after a couple minutes, so I didn't solve the lip-biting query, but I did learn that when a man tilts his head and shrugs his shoulders while looking at you it means he's deeply in love with you and you guyz are gonna be married 4 eva. So, bear that in mind, kids.

Sorry for the lack of pictures, I know I've been slacking, but the weather has been exceptional lately.

i want to sleep in the city that never wakes up and revel in nostalgia

Back in January, I did a post that a lot of people (including me) seemed to get a bit of a kick out of. Basically, I have a feature in my sidebar called Feedjit, which tells me where people who visit my blog are from and how they got there. And, frankly, I've seen some weird Google searches lead to my blog. Even though I'm super-duper busy and whatnot, I've kept track of some of the more curious searches to share with you today.

"what does it means kiss your flower?"
(El Paso, Texas)
Well, for one thing, this person doesn't know the first order of business when encountered with a slang phrase you're unfamiliar with. Urban Dictionary could have solved your conundrum before you made it through the first page of Google's flower ads. Frankly, I Googled for myself and my blog wasn't on the first or second page (after that, I got bored and stopped) - which means they went through pages and pages to find an answer to their dire query.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I'll spell it out for ya:
Get it? Good.

"Bojana panic nude pictures"
(Southport, England)
Okay...I've heard of people who get off on pain...I've heard of people who get off on being dominated...I've heard of people who get off on all kinds of weird things...but panic? Panic in itself? Hmm...these must be the type of people who get caught jerking off in the back aisle of Godzilla or something.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No, I'm afraid not.

I was lying when I said "I'm afraid not."

"alex turner sexy face"
(Sydney)
Q: What's an Alex Turner sexy face?
A: All of them, of course!
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I'll give them what we all need.

Yeah, you're welcome.
"Sexy face"...last time "tight pants" - I'm filling all Alex Turner-super-ghetto-collage requests.

"sexy girls downy pics"
(Istanbul)
Granted, I've never been to Istanbul, but where I come from "sexy" and "downy" are pretty much mutually exclusive. Maybe they mean something different when they say "downy" but I'm really not going to Google it to find out. It's a sick world out there.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Institutionalization? No.

"what happened to alex turner he looks weird"
(Mexico)
Please...give generously.
But in all seriousness, this comment made me realize I hadn't seen any recent pictures of Alex Turner, so I did a quick Google search (see, kids, I can do it too) and found a picture from this past February.
Let's just say I was so far from disappointed I'm not even going to bother looking up the antonym for "disappointed". You see, he's grown out his hair.
The single most crucial thing a guy can do to better his appearence...and better it he did.

Sexy before, but feast your eyes on THIS:
He's always been a handsome chap, but with hair like that...A+++
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I provided them with proof that they either are visually impaired or that they have what they kids today call "wack" taste.

"men forced into silk nightgowns"
(New Brunswick)
This person might be my new hero. I don't know what prompted them to search this, but the mere image makes me giddy.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I wish.

"she may never freak again"
(Wisconsin)
On the flip side, this may be the most depressing phrase I've ever read. Never freak again? Never??
Imagining hearing this from a doctor nearly brings me to tears. Way to end this one a downer.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I don't know...what does one need in this sort of situation? I can only hope I offered some sort of marginal amount of solace.

And there ya have it. As long as people keep Googling messed up shit, I shall be there.

strange fascinations fascinating me

A few months ago, I added a ridiculously addicting feature to my blog. Look to your right (or, if you're a bit behind and this isn't the most recent post, up and to your right)...it's called Feedjit. And, hey, look - that's your city that just arrived on "ashcan rantings". That's right, I can keep tabs on you, and since when have I ever passed up an opportunity to indirectly stalk myself by stalking those who stalk me?
That's right:
Never.
I get a lot of fun information such as where you're from, how you arrived at my blog (search engine? Linked from another blog?) and where you left my blog to. But perhaps the most entertaining information I get is what people typed into Google to arrive at my blog. The most common entries range from obvious ("ashcan rantings") to creepy ("sharon tate dead body" - please, enough!) to pretty freaking rad ("who the fuck is mick jagger?")
Sometimes, however, I get some really bizarre searchs linked to my blog. Case in point:

"did obama ever kiss his mother on her lips."
I don't know what's more disturbing - that someone actually cared enough about that to bother to try to search it or that they ended up on my blog. I can't imagine why that would be an issue for anyone, unless they are racist to the point that they're against a black man kissing a white woman even though they're related.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No, cuz what they needed was a good spin kick to the head.

"my love video asses"
(Saudia Arabia)
I'm not sure what this person was trying to say - "my love for video asses"? "asses in the 'My Love' video"? - but the fact that they're from Saudi Arabia explains why they had to turn to the Internet for this instead of simply turning on BET.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Well, I sure hope so; Saudi Arabians have as much right to marvel over how those girls got all of that in them jeans as we do. But seriously...do they get their pants altered or are they actually sold with all that space in the back?

"tight pants 'alex turner'"
(Serbia)
Well, wait a minute! This person only wants to see Alex Turner in tight pants - there's nothing bizarre about that! In fact, I consider it an honour that someone with such a noble quest found themselves on my blog.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
If they didn't at the time, by God, I'll make sure they get it now.

You're welcome, dear Serbian friend.

"just dance" "date rape"
(Buffalo, New York)
Ah, another searcher I feel a kinship with, for I too long felt that the popular Lady Gaga song "Just Dance" had strong date rape undertones. Seriously, let's examine some of the lyrics: "I can't see straight anymore"? "How did I turn my shirt inside out?" "Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic"? Adding to the equation the really creepy guy popping up with sleazy lines like "Shawty, I can see that you've got so much energy, the way you're twirling you hips round and round/I see no reason at all why you can't leave here with me"
Unfortunately, pal, that's not how it works. Just because you can't think of any reason why a girl shouldn't sleep with you, doesn't mean it's meant to be. In fact, I can think of a reason why she shouldn't leave here with you: because you're a silly, greasy Chachi who seems to be sadly uninformed of his lack of African heritage.


Still from the "Just Dance" video: Victim of GHB-spiked drink or typical drunken slut? YOU decide!

Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
If what they were looking for was the validation that they were not alone in seeing these creepy vibes in an otherwise wicked (though hideously overplayed) song, then, yes. And I'll have to thank them, for they gave me the very same.

"What does he think when we kiss?"
(Lewisburg, Pennsylvania)
This case is also a bit sad, as this person is clearly confused about the nature of Google. It's not like a Magic 8 Ball, where you type in your query and it goes, "Well, Tammy, what your man friend is thinking is 'I wonder how much longer I have to stroke her hair before she lets me get up under the bra?'"
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Essentially, no, I can't be sure. But if I know guys (and let's not kid ourselves, I really don't), he's probably trying to determine from the amount of tongue you're using how far you're going to let him get that evening. Hint: easy on the tongue, try to keep it neat and practice safe sex.

"harry hopes cary ill"
(Illinois)
Yeah...I'm just as baffled as you are.

"do canadians have people on new naked?"
(Montreal)
This is a bit confusing, as Montreal is (for the most part) still in Canada, as far as I know. I can only guess that they were asking if the anchors on the evening news are naked - which I'm pretty sure they aren't.
The other possible option is that this person is wondering whether Canada has settings that we put ourselves on - like "I'm on naked, she's on clothed (oh shit)". And then, on top of this bizarre setting, we have a new sort of "naked". Again, if this system exists, I sure missed the memo.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I think what this person needs can't really be found on a humble blog such as this.

"alex turner not good looking"
(Perth)
I don't know what sort of crazy talk this person is into, but the only acceptable option I can think of is that this person one day woke up and asked themselves, "Is it possible that there is a picture of Alex Turner where he's not looking damn fine?" Who among us has not wondered the same thing?
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No. The unflattering picture of Alex Turner is simply a myth, kids.

"I wont to kiss zach efron talk a photo to kiss"
(Maryland)
You know, it's amazing how grammar and spelling falls by the wayside on Google. But more amazing is how any sort of common sense seems to evaporate at the sight of those blue, yellow and red letters.

To attempt to decode this disturbing search, we must first break it down. It appears this person "wont[s]" to kiss "zach efron." It's entirely possibe that she (really, let's assume it's a young girl - this case is nauseating enough without imagining otherwise) knows a boy from school named Zach Efron, but sadly, evidence points to the shocking fact that many girls (at least 27) want to kiss the celebrity Zac Efron. What's really confusing is the "talk a photo to kiss". No matter how I reconstruct it, it doesn't work (or become anything but unsettling).
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I'll give you this and that's it:


Have no fear, I will continue to track the disconcerting things people search and keeping you readers informed!