Tuesday, February 03, 2009

you could say she has an individual style, she's part of a colourful time

Even though I am clearly not a fashion blog, it happens all the time* that I am often approached with this sort of thing: "Hey, I am attending an obscure event and I would like you to shamelessly plug your friend's vintage store by giving me suggestions of what to wear."
It is true that my mostly companion has an online vintage store, but the fact remains that I have no experience with fashion styling (though much experience in obscure events).
"I understand that you are not explicitly a fashion blog," the reply often** comes, "but you clearly have a most delightful taste in so many categories, I could not see how you could possibly fail."
How could I argue with that? (Though I know someone who could: One of the harpies at my friend's Catholic school ended up rushing over to me when I was visiting once, yelling "Uniform infraction!" just because my sweater had innocently slipped off my shoulder - with all the fuss she made you would've thought I was rolling around on the ground with my legs in the air, crying wantonly "I am a woman of loose morals - come get me, boys")

Situation:
"This morning I received in the mail an invitation to attend a picnic for dwarves. I am not personally a dwarf but I am of very small stature.
The picnic is to be held in a meadow that is known for its mosquitoes. I am not particularly adverse to mosquito bites, except on my arms.
The mother of my gentleman friend is also attending and she has a known passion for famous vintage labels of the 1960's and 70's. I would like to impress her with my choice.
The invitation also specified 'prairie chic' as the desired dress."
Solution:
Fear not, friend! I have the perfect outfit for you.
This is an authentic Gunne Sax (one of the most famous vintage labels of the 60's and 70's) prarie-style dress, with puffed netting arms. It is also quite small, so if you're petite and have trouble finding clothing that fits you, look no further. I've heard your anguished cries of "My bust is 29" and my waist but 24"...but my hips are freeeeeee!" Hush, you will pain no more. Just click here.


Situation:
"I am a proud Goth (by the original definiton and not the tragic popular cultural misappropriation) and refuse to wear anything but black. However, my badminton club is having a Stevie Nicks-themed party. I would like to find an outfit that combines my Gothic background with Stevie Nicks' fantastic fashion sense.
Obviously I intend this for more than a one-time use, therefore this outfit could not look out of place in a cemetary, for one of my occupations involves making bouquets for funerals and I spend a lot of time in boneyards as research.
P.S. My boyfriend has a sexual fetish for bell sleeves. Usually I ignore it, but his birthday is approaching and I thought I'd indulge him..."
Solution:
C'mon, challenge me a little! We have a clear choice.
"Gothic" and "Stevie Nicks" is an obvious overlap. Your dramatic sleeve-lovin' boyfriend will spontaneously orgasm at the sight of these bad boys. And this outfit was practically designed for the sole purpose of lurking in graveyards. Shh, you don't have to fight anymore. It's all here.


Situation:
"My lesbian lover is graduating from engineering school this spring.
She's Russian-Canadian, I'm Filipina, and we live in Arkansas, but we've both had a life-long passion for Mexican culture. Therefore her graduation party has an express Mexian theme. Also, the party is in Florida, where it will be rather toasty come time for the event.
I am enjoy lace-utilizing haberdashery, because it makes me feel like I'm covered in snow (and by snow I mean those cut-out paper snowflakes - it's all I knew of such things as child).
I've been rubbing self-tanner on my shoulders because they get sore a lot at my job loading trucks and the only lotion I could find was bronzing. Therefore I would like to showcase my shoulders but please leave my comparatively pale stomach and thighs covered."
Situation:
They don't call me Molly Miracle Worker for nothing! Er, "they" actually don't really call me that at all. But once you see what I have for you, you just might! Feast your eyes on this sexy number.
And Kayla Hyne ain't bad either! Flaunt your sunkissed shoulders in this superbly Mexican dress. The burgandy colour will look fantastic on you, I can tell, and this dress can keep the secret of your pasty (though I doubt you're that pasty; you're Filipino!) belly and thighs. Speaking of secrets, the lace-trimming just screams that you have one or two of your own up your sleeve. And at least one of those secrets has got to be "I'm not overheating like the rest of you suckers", because while this dress will surely protect you from Us Weekly's Fashion Police, it will let the breeze cool you down. Can you believe one dress can do so much? You'll believe it once you've seen it here.


Situation:
"I am a Neil Young fan.
I want everyone I encounter to be aware of this fact.
P.S. And I gotta be authentic - no poseur bullshit!"
Solution:

Done.


Situation:
"My brother's girlfriend is one of those obnoxious holier-than-thou, PETA-type vegetarians who feels the need to remind me that with each bite of meatloaf, I am personally responsible for the torture and murder of every animal ever eaten, by humans or otherwise.
Anyway, she's having a tofu barbecue next weekend, even though it's still pretty nippy out. The attire is "formal".
I really want to piss her off."
Solution:
I can relate - PETA sucks. And remember - the enemy of your enemy is your friend.
Meet this divine fur shrug.
Cosy? Check. Versatile? Check - it can be formal or semi-formal (or casual, if you're a free spirit!) Warm? Check. Real fur? Damn straight. I don't feel like making a case for fur all over again, but if you'd like to review my previous post devoted to how awesome, badass and gorgeous fur is, check it out here. And if you've realized (correctly) that you can't live another day without knowing this fur shrug is yours, click here.


Situation:
"I have a general policy of only wearing dresses and skirts. And yet, I love versatility. Any skirt I purchase must also have the bonus of being worn as a dress.
My grandmother's elderly boyfriend invited me to tea, possibly to ask my permission for her hand in marriage (I am her only living relative, besides her cousin [with whom she had a falling out a few years back due to an alarming incident involving a tea tray and a medicine ball]).
After our tea, I am attending a music festival with some of my bohemian pals.
I need a garment that is applicable to both events, as I will only be bringing a small change purse (for those temporary tattoo machines in grocery stores - I can never resist) and cannot carry a full change of clothes.
I like ethnic embroidery."
Solution:
Your needs are complex. However, with Nicola's access to fantastic clothing and my undeniable talent for problem-solving, we have your solution.
This wrap skirt conveniently doubles as a wrap dress. It is appropriate for afternoon tea with your future step-grandfather and a music festival. You like ethnic embroidery, you say? You won't be disappointed with this skirt's almost peacock feather-like design. And it allows for easy temporary tattoo flauntage. Go 'head now, girl. Love: it's just a click away.

Was your obscure event not covered?
Rest assured, there's something for everyone.

Nicola's Vintage Boutique

Because you can't find anything worth wearing anywhere else.



*In this case I am using "all the time" as a slang phrase to mean "rarely"
**Again, I'm using "often" as shorthand for "never"

26 comments:

WAT said...

You are insanely funny! I love the model shots! Most impressive. Who needs the runways in Milan when we have you as a fashion goddess?

Maya said...

You may be shamelessly plugging but it works. Dayum girl, you're a good saleswoman (i especially liked your tagline at the end, very catchy).
And I'm glad you appreciate my outfits, no one else seems to be doing so :(. Ha, not that I'm feeling sorry for my self or anything...
JOKES. It's hard to be sarxastic over the internet.

jayne said...

omg this post is one of my new favorites, aboslutely hilarious and pefectly done! great job Molly

Eyeliah @ stylesymmetry.com said...

Thanks Molly, I am ready for my event now!!!

The Clothes Horse said...

Love these! You should be a fashion-humorist...your own spin on style. :)

Belle said...

Loved it. Great post. The last two were my favourites. That wrap skirt/dress is beautiful.
belle

jess said...

Oh my that was the funniest thing i've seen all day.

Krystal said...

thats so great

copperoranges said...

you are hilarious .

that fur shrug is to die for.

Keith said...

Hey Molly. That was awesome. I loved it. Another witty and amazing post from you. You are definitely the best fashion consultant out there. You should have played in The Devil Wears Prada. :-)

Keith said...

Hey Molly. I should have mentioned this when I commented on this post. I try not to spam my fellow bloggers about particular posts of mine. I did want to mention one though. Today on my Dino Lounge blog I posted one about Sean "Diddy" Combs and his commercials for Ciroc Vodka. He uses a Sinatra tune in one of them. I'm trying to expand my blog out some. Not sure if you love or hate Diddy, but I hope you'll check out this post and leave me some comments there. I appreciate it. Thanks. Sorry about the spam.

Jill said...

Fabuloulously creative post. Ever thought of getting into marketing?

Molly Gray // Flavia M. (same girl) said...

Great pieces!.. now I'm checking out your friend's store and is reall cool, very cute garments.

Kirstie Amber said...

can i say that i love situation 2! haha, big stevie nicks fan :]

Katelin said...

hahaha this is awesome, i love it. and i would probably rock the mexican themed recommendation dress, it's pretty dang cute.

Crazy Eddie said...

I loved this post Molly babe. Your style in clothing is great. It screams tasteful and intelligent.

My older sister Maio (named after a Japanese artist) was a strictly black girl also, but on some very rare occasions, she would throw on a Scarlett blouse with her black jeans or skirt.

You rock lovely.

Besos

CountryGirl_CityLife said...

Hilarious post! Classic, one for the history of the internetS.

I miss you!! I promise to get back to blogging soon. I have been shamefully addicted to twitter (hangs head low).

twenty.seven.cents said...

LOL. loved it!
I have to say, Chuck P with mutton chops is good looking. lol. :)

Mimi said...

For not being a fashion blogger you're pretty damn good! I think you might give me a run fore my money! You look great in all the pictures!

xo

Sunniva said...

I'll just join the rest of your fans above me and say: you are extremely witty and fantastic, Molly! This is a post that should win awards. And I love all the pieces Nicola's Vintage Boutique. I'll have to treat myself to something from there one day! xx

Sister Libby said...

I laughed a lot. I like the skirt/dress versitile number, but I believe my arse is "too big". I would ask you fashion advice anyday. Also, can you explain the PETA Kills Animals and other things in the Controversy thing to me. Are you for, against...or just intrigued?

Grace*Face said...

That was a brilliant post, and I have to say I'm loving the gothic/Stevie Nicks dress!
I waaaaaaannttt...

thedrifterandthegypsy said...

you always make me laugh. i love your sarcastic, dry sense of humor.
xoxo.
Micaela

Allison said...

You are seriously, so funny. I can't get over it :)
I am lovinggg your blog, girl!
And totally bummed that my girl Stephanie got kicked off Le Bachelor Monday! Now I'm definitely on Team Jillian :)

Sister Libby said...

So i just made my own day by arriving on your blog via Göteborg, not Kungsbacka Sweden. Just so you know....And yeah, my dad didn't care about hte commercials, but my sister only cares about the commercials, so she was bummed. And I agree about PETA being too extreme. that psychic lady is indeed nuts.

Sarah Von said...

Wait? Are you saying you´re ·not· a woman of loose morals? Then I don´t know if we can be friends any more!