Tuesday, January 08, 2008

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

I've been meaning to do this post for a loong time. Since this blog started, probably. I can't believe I haven't done a post worshipping my favourite comedian (and future baby daddy), Demetri Martin. There's not really much I can say, so I will just have to fill this post up with the heart-stoppingly hilarious quotes of Demetri Martin.
Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. "How was breakfast?" "Unbelievable."

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I heard this lady say 'I love kids.' That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying 'I like people, for a little while.' 'How old are you? 14? Fuck off!'

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I think it'd be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, and the paper clip popped up and said, "It looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need some help? You should use stronger language, you'd get more money!"

I was in a shoe store and I asked, “Can I get those sneakers in a 10?” And he said, “Okay” and then he went downstairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be retarded for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you.

22 comments:

bronwyn said...

Brilliant. Donnot have a heart attack when playing charades. had to read that one out aloud to my husband:):)

Tru said...

haha that's priceless...off to go watch some videos of him on youtube right now

Carolina Lange said...

Hilarious! Briliant! Loved this post!

Heather said...

I love Demetri Martin! He's funny and gorgeous, and kept me entertained during a lonely bout of strep throat last year.

Katelin said...

Haha, that's hilarious. I love the fly swatter one. And the heart attack during charades...good stuff.

SICK. said...

he's absolutely funny :]

x.
jh

the iron chic said...

Hey!
Dane Cook does a really similar bit about a shoe store.
I like the grape thing.
p.s. I tagged you..........

Alexa said...

i can't even explain my love for demetri martin. he is absolutely amazing and i adore him.

Alexa said...

ps. can i get some b batteries?

Stephanie said...

HAHAHA sounds like my kind of comedy :)

Linda said...

is it bad that I haven't heard of the man? but his looks alone have drawn me in...

oh god, I sound shallow

jayne said...

haha never heard of this genius, but like i just said he is a genius

omg the quote about sort of and heart attack is hilarious!

labelllefille said...

Haha I loved this post, the quotes were great.

Wendy said...

Haha! He is so hilarious!

Sister Libby said...

Bahaha! The Fruit of Hope! Funniest thing I have heard all day. Thanks.

coco said...

You know when someone really reminds you of someone and you can't place who it is?
Well I have that looking at his face
It is very annoying

-S said...

At first glance I thought he was James Blunt, which of course puzzeled me, and then I read on. Now of course I am interested, and might go search for him on youtube!

Cate said...

oh this quote about "i'm sorry" and "I apologize" is great. the others are hilarious too...

The Clothes Horse said...

Oh my, he is hilarious--quick and funny.

Jill said...

Those are hilarious! They're probably even better with proper pacing. Ha. Great!

WendyB said...

Highlarious!!!!!

Candid Cool said...

he's hilarious.