Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
I heard this lady say 'I love kids.' That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying 'I like people, for a little while.' 'How old are you? 14? Fuck off!'
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
I think it'd be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, and the paper clip popped up and said, "It looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need some help? You should use stronger language, you'd get more money!"
I was in a shoe store and I asked, “Can I get those sneakers in a 10?” And he said, “Okay” and then he went downstairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be retarded for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you.