"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

I've been meaning to do this post for a loong time. Since this blog started, probably. I can't believe I haven't done a post worshipping my favourite comedian (and future baby daddy), Demetri Martin. There's not really much I can say, so I will just have to fill this post up with the heart-stoppingly hilarious quotes of Demetri Martin.
Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. "How was breakfast?" "Unbelievable."

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I heard this lady say 'I love kids.' That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying 'I like people, for a little while.' 'How old are you? 14? Fuck off!'

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I think it'd be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, and the paper clip popped up and said, "It looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need some help? You should use stronger language, you'd get more money!"

I was in a shoe store and I asked, “Can I get those sneakers in a 10?” And he said, “Okay” and then he went downstairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be retarded for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you.