Monday, February 09, 2009

we come from the land of the ice and snow

Anyway, some of you might have figured out that I live in the best city in the best province in the best country - no, not Machiques; I'm a proud resident of Victoria, BC, Canada.

It's true...British Columbia radiates awesome-ness.
However, not all cities in BC are created equal. Being the well-travelled kittycat that I am, I'll give you the rundown on where you should avoid the guys, where you should avoid altogether and where you should save up to one day live, if you're lucky.

It's true...when God made Victoria, he drew a yellow heart in the ocean next to it, so no one would forget that it's his favourite city.
Vancouver:
Population: 578,041
Vancouver is fantastic. Rated as the most livable city in the world by The Economist, it is truly spectacular. All the splendor of city life, mixed with natural beauty. Very pricy to live in, but beyond worth it.
Variety of people: Incredible. Probably has one of the highest variety in people in the world.
Quality of people: Since there are so many different types of people, its very hit and miss. However, there are literally thousands of amazing people there.
Famous locals: Black Mountain, Bryan Adams, Nickelback (yeah, sorry about that), Michael Buble, Jillian (the only cool chick ever to be on The Bachelor), Tommy Chong, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell,
I'm inclined to indulge in marijuana now and then...how well will I fit in?
Well, it is BC afterall, so you really can't go wrong - Vancouver is the headquarters of the Marijuana Party (yeah, Americans got the Republicans and the Democrats - we've got the BCMP), the Vapour Lounge (where you can go to use their vaporizers free of charge) and the proud bearer of the nickname Vansterdam.
But let's get down to the important part: how nice are the bus drivers?
Ahh, Vancouver's main downfall. Though their public transportation system is very efficient, the bus drivers are for the most part very rude and sometimes downright malicious. In one of the most baffling instances of my entire life, for a reason I have yet to figure out, one female bus driver told me - at the time, but 13 years old and a foreigner in the city - that the side of the highway was the Ladner Exchange I needed to get to.
It wasn't.

Victoria:
Population: 78,659
Ahh, my hometown. Seriously, guys, it's the best place in the world - and I'm not saying that from lack of experiencing anything else. London, San Francisco, Seattle, Vancouver, Paris, Las Vegas, Norway, Spain...yeah, they're all cool. But none of them are any matches for the supreme greatness that is Victoria, BC. A major tourist desination, much of downtown is designed to look like a British town, so we've got the brick streets and old-fashioned light posts. We've also got the best climate imaginable (we haven't gone below -10 degrees Celsius in 20 years), a legendary record store, the narrowest alley, an amazing park, a freaking bug zoo, and so much more.
Most intriguingly, there's an "underground city", which is something of an open secret. Much of the city is connected with underground tunnels, and is rumoured to be used by Satanists and homeless people, alternately.
Variety of people: High. We're got the neohippies, the yuppies, a huge Wiccan community, and (thanks to our having the mildest climate in Canada) tons of homeless people. Luckily, Victorian homeless are very friendly and not the scary violent kind, as long as you don't ignore them and don't treat them like they don't exist.
Quality of people: The best people in the world live in Victora, if I may say so myself. Must be something in the water, cause the percentage of rad people is significantly higher than anywhere else.
Famous locals: Nelly Furtado, Hot Hot Heat, Emily Carr
I'm inclined to indulge in marijuana now and then...how well will I fit in?
Have no fear! WeBeHigh.com calls Victoria "the land of stoner splendour", where weed is "virtually legal". And it's true - I am personally not much of a smoker, but basically, if you get busted (even by the police) the worst they'll really do is confiscate it.
But let's get down to the important part: how nice are the bus drivers?
Victoria bus drivers are very likely Jesus himself incarnate. Always quick to supply directions or a smile, they are guranteed to brighten your day. You get the odd grouch, but I'm sure they're just having a bad day. In general, Victoria bus drivers are the best folks you'll ever hope to meet. I would be proud to have an only daughter (or son, for that matter) marry a Victorian bus driver.

Surrey:
Popluation: 437,685
Known for the crime?
Variety of people: To be honest, I'm not really sure. I just know that the girls tend to be psycho and slutty (and Gina, I know you're reading this, I'm not referring to you!)
Quality of people: In general, trash.
Famous locals: Superslut shit-pop singer Elise Estrada - you might want to watch her video, but only for comedic purposes. She does represent Surrey nicely.
I'm inclined to indulge in marijuana now and then...how well will I fit in?
Hey, it's BC, you'll be alright. Though ideally, move on towards Vancouver.
But let's get down to the important part: how nice are the bus drivers?
I couldn't tell you - I'm only experienced in Victoria and Vancouver public transportation.

Abbotsford:
Population: 131, 827
Abbotsford has a killer view of the mountains, but that's not why we go there. There's a fantastic local band, and the people are dedicated to having a good time.
Variety of people: Moderate. Technically, it's a Bible town, but there are tons of hippies and skaters too.
Quality of people: I'll just be upfront: People in Abbotsford are freaking awesome.
Famous locals: Apparently Evangeline Lilly?
I'm inclined to indulge in marijuana now and then...how well will I fit in?
You're home.
But let's get down to the important part: how nice are the bus drivers?
I couldn't tell you - I'm only experienced in Victoria and Vancouver public transportation.

Mission:
Population: 34, 505
Mission has a stunning park and hosts the insanely awesome FolkFest, but other than that, it's not quite the kind of place I'd make any efforts to be in.
Variety of people: Low. The guys there are all pretty much the same in the music they listen to, they way they dress, the slang they use, right down to the way they walk and the ever-important length of their hair. The girls tend to be what we on Vancouver Island would call a "twink", and what others might calls a "prep" or a "ditz" or maybe even a "slut" - not making judgments or anything!
Quality of people: In general, pretty low. Mission people give me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. There are, of course, exceptions, but overall, to be avoided. And a word to the wise - never ever trust a Mission kid. Many are severely Machiavellian personality types. I would say they're two-faced, but it would be an insult to their impressively eight-faced ways. Jenn's rad, but other than that, don't turn your back on a Mission kid for a second, because knives will be flashing.

...at least I'm not bitter.
Famous locals: Uh, the third-place contestant on the fifth season of Canadian Idol, Carly Rae Jepsen. What, you haven't heard of her???
I'm inclined to indulge in marijuana now and then...how well will I fit in?
Very easily, but beware: Mission people let their stoner-ness become their defining characteristic. Don't fall into this trap.
But let's get down to the important part: how nice are the bus drivers?
Some of the most un-knowledgeable bus drivers I have encountered. Their excuse for not knowing Mission's basic geography? "I live in Maple Ridge." Next!

Also, if you're a proud Mission kid or Surreyite reading this, infuriated that a smug Victorian like myself would insult your fair city, please bear in mind that the main purpose of this post is to entertain and educate. Also, I'm sorry. I hope one day you can afford to live on the Island too.

16 comments:

Crazy Eddie said...

Abbotsford and Victoria sound cool to live in. I especially would enjoy Abbotsford. Hint Hint...

I honestly occasionally forget that you're from Canada. I suddenly am reminded when I see you spell the word "colour."

Loved your breakdown on all the provinces in Canada. I absorbed a massive amount of info there so you should be proud of me. Getting to know you a bit more is always interesting... and I'm never bored.

I saw the Letterman/Lil' Wayne appearance live here in NYC and I immediately thought of you. That shizz had me rollin'... um, laughing, not rollin' a blunt.

LOL

Besos para siempre.

Crazy Eddie said...

BTW, I meant to ask you if you listen to CHESTER FRENCH. He has a song out called SHE LOVES EVERYBODY and it's effing great.

When you get the chance, take a listen. I'm sure if there was a song you truly liked, you would want to share it with a friend because it would be a terrible sin if such a delectable song went unheard. Don't you agree??

Besos

Eyeliah @ stylesymmetry.com said...

Lol at the Jonas Bros, something tells me he didn't want to say that, pulled it off so good.
I am one of the 'hit' not miss people in Van. :-) hahah

thedrifterandthegypsy said...

ohhh vancouver!!! i almost went there last summer, but i ended up going to mexico. i want to go there so bad. i heard its really clean. is that true?
xoxo,
Micaela

this wheel's on fire said...

One day I'll come up north and visit your fair country :)

And love Letterman & lil wayne

Keith said...

Hey Molly. Such an awesome post. I've never been to Canada before. You definitely filled me in on what cities to check out and which ones to avoid. I loved this post. You are quite the tour guide.

Allison said...

I feel like I came out of reading your blog with more knowledge about Canada :)

Oh, I love Lil Wayne. He was too cute reading the Top 10!

Mimi said...

Gorgeous pics! I am so jealous

Yes, Lil Wayne reading the top 10 was SO great!

I've secretly had a crush on Letterman!

xo

jess said...

Wow canada seems pretty darn great. I've never een up north but now i know wehre to avoid. Lil wayne was so funny

Sister Libby said...

"Have you seen those guys? They're adorable" was my favorite Lil' Wayne moment. I understnd why you like Mr. Wayne...that voice is sexxxxy. And this is a fantastic BC breakdown. I like Vancouver, and I think I like Victoria. I say that because I may have been there, but can't really remember. I go to Penticton quite a bit to ski, but I kind of have a feeling that it's not really the best BC has to offer.

alexgirl said...

Victoria BC sounds amazing! I never really thought much about Canada before--as far as wanting to move there, but now you've piqued my interest. Anything would sound better than the place I'm living now, but maybe I'll hafta come out to BC sometime! I've always liked the sound of Vancouver, too.
Can't watch the Lil Wayne To 10, but I'm jealous. I bet it's hilarious.
Miss you! Happy new year!!! I'll be a better blogger when I'm done with this year-in-Africa business.

Molly Gray // Flavia M. said...

I've always wanted to go to Canada, it seems such a great place and for what i've seen on tv, there are a lot of interesting buildings and architecture to see.

The Clothes Horse said...

That's it, I'm moving!

fritha louise said...

I went on a family holiday to Canada two summers ago where we drove from Calgary to Vancouver, and visited Victoria too. I must say, no word of a lie, that Victoria was my favourite place that we stopped in, its just got such a great atmosphere. And it was really really sunny too, which always helps!

The Vancouverista said...

mannnnn
stop encouraging people to move here!!
haha j/k
mostly..

twenty.seven.cents said...

*cough* you forgot Montreal! :(
I'm from Montreal. It's pretty awesome too. lol.