Tuesday, March 03, 2009

i'm just funkin around for fun

There's a lot of things I hear on a daily basis ("Maybe Wheat Thins aren't the most nourishing breakfast"; "Are you quoting Fat Albert again?"; "In fact, ma'am, it is illegal to do naked cartwheels on the legislative building lawn") but what I hear most often is that people want to be me.

A common lament.
Science, the bitchy, STD-laden mistress of the universe, has dictated that the only person can be me, and again, I'm the lucky one here because I'm me. The rest of you just have to settle for being like me. As I'm a bit of a complex person (a Cancer with Capricorn rising and Moon in Sagittarius in fact), this is hard - you can, however, partake in activities that I regularly enjoy. For example

-Melted butter and brown sugar as cereal
Sounds gross, doesn't it? Oh, wait, no it doesn't - it sounds delicious. And that's cuz it is. I discovered this while making brownies or cookies or something traditional (read: boring yet tasty). It's much easier and it leaves your teeth with a delightful coated-in-crunchy/liquid-cavities sensation.

-Fun with body temperature!!
What's more satisfying then coming home from a stroll (okay, shuffle) through a snowstorm to a a warm, maybe even crackling, fire? Only wearing a fur coat while listening to Let's Get It On and ignoring all previous commitments. Unfortunately, you don't always have a snowstorm or a fireplace or even the ability to decipher crackling. This satisfaction must then be artificially simulated. But don't like the robotic mumbo-jumbo throw you - this can be just as fun. Basically, you have to begin with a forced coldness. You may do this how you wish; I get naked. Wander around, open a window, stand in front of the freezer. Yes, it's painful but hang in there. You cold yet? Good. Now wait, and retain your body's coldness. If you can, get even colder. You want to be cold to your core. When you're really and truly cold, then take a nice, warm bath.
It might not be the best way to befriend your hypothalamus, but it sure feels good.

-Deciphering difficult to understand lyrics
Okay...I know what you're thinking: "What do you do with your life?? Don't you have a job?" The answers are, respectively, I indulge and enjoy myself; and no, that would cut into my bathing time. I do have a lot of time on my hands, but that's precisely how I like my life to be. Anyway, I've found that it can be fun trying to decipher lyrics that cannot be found on the Internet. This is particularly fun with songs where there's some brain-sucking bass and you're being hit in the face with funk, and then they've got people shouting dementedly awesome lyrics (of course I'm talking P-Funk here). Here's a good starter song:

Ahh...The Name Is Bootsy, Baby - Bootsy Collins

What do you hear around the 1:42-2:47 mark? My answer below to compare*.
See? Fun and educational and entertaining!

*Little boy: Hey, Leroy! There's a Bootsy right there!
Leroy: Where? I don't see him, where?
Little boy: Right over there!
Leroy: Where?
Little boy: Right there....I, I wonder if we can ask him a question.
Leroy: I guess so!
Little boy: I'm kinda scared...
Leroy: Aw, man, come on!
Little boy: Wow! Where did you hear that? [still indecipherable] Hey...hey...hey, Bootsy man (?) why your face like a star?
Bootsy: The name is Bootsy, baby, and the better to funk you, my dear.
Leroy: Casper...why we can't see you?
Bootsy: Ahh...I'm in the street cuz I lost my sheep...and I does not know where to find them.
Little boy: Hey, Bootsy...Bootsy...Bootsy....his eyes!! Oooh....they're like stars, too!
Leroy: I say, Bootsy, you're a superstar, right?
Bootsy: Ah, twinkle, twinkle, baby.
Leroy: Ha! I told ya, man.
Bootsy: Now, can I play?
Bootsy always pronounces baby "baba" - appreciate.

-Playing dress-up
Frankly, I'm shocked that dressing up is considered "childish" or "silly" or "nonessential to human survival". Since, as I just mentioned, I've fortunate enough to have large amounts of spare time on my hands, dressing up is something I do quite often. The extent of dressing up varies, but some models I like to tackle are dressing up like a friend or someone you know, dressing up like your past self, dressing up like a celebrity, dressing up like a stereotype (as you can see, I personally enjoy costuming myself - in an incredibly loving and respectful manner - as a First Nations person) or dressing up as a character you yourself has created. For example, a long silk nightgown and a fur coat gives satisfying ex-wife-of-famous-movie-exec-who-is-eschewing-plastic surgery-because-she-just-doesn't-give-a-fuck-about-anything-except-her-martinis vibes.

-Reading Cosmopolitan and Seventeen, etc.
This activity is rich in lol-possibilities. However, its important to note that this can be quite dangerous, as these magazines have a high danger level of brainwashing. If you are feeling fragile, searching for guidance or obsessively into a guy, I would recommend that these magazines are not for you. That being said, if you are secure with yourself and your ability to attract the gender you desire, reading these frivolous magazines can be fun in a combined watching-a-car-accident and laughing-at-idiocy manner. It can also be a little bit infuriating, but I would advise that you take that anger and turn it into mockery.
For example, according to Cosmopolitan, I should not know more about sports than my beau. This demasculates him. If I do happen to know more than him (freak of nature that I must be), I should keep this secret and play along like he is the Wise Sportsmaster of the Mountaintop. Yes, Cosmo, forget honesty and equality - let's just stroke some egos and con our men into staying with us. And while we're at it, why don't you show us the right way to stroke some tangible appendages? Because we must be doing it wrong if we're not doing it the COSMO! way.
Also, I don't feel I know myself well enough; can I please take a COSMO! quiz so you can shuffle me into one of three categories?
Irritating but not as harmful are the articles about the cover women, because they all say the exact same thing: OMG, guys, _______ isn't your typical Hollywood starlet!! She's honest, funny, nice and she actually eats!......just like every other FUN FEARLESS FEMALE!! featured in Cosmopolitain.
In my mind, the worst thing Cosmopolitan (and similar magazines) does it perpetrate the stereotype that all men think alike. For example, did you know that if a men half-smiles at you when you meet him it means he only wants no-strings-attached sex? Forget the 817 other reasons he might be half-smiling; this relationship will never be anything but a one night stand. All that garnered from a half-smile?
It's sad for women who take this seriously, but their loss is your gain. Get a magazine like this from the library (so you're not putting money into their pockets) and enjoy the stupid advice women are actually following. And we wonder why travesties like this exist?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy livin' Ashcan Rantings every now and then - I know I do!


copperoranges said...

MMMMMMM to the brown sugar and butter suggestion. i think i'd add a little oatmeal though.

also when i was little i thought the song "funk soul brother" was called "funks yo rubber" ... puts a whole new meaning to it ya know ...

Diana said...

Ahahaha! I love your commentary on Cosmo magazine. They kill our brains and make us into sex robots or something.

Jill said...

You stole my nightie and coat and now you mock me! Bad girl!! Now where did I put that martini?!

Mimi said...

Hmm brown sugar and melted butter.. I should try it!

Cosmo magazine is one of the magazines I hate reading. I've never bought an issue, and never will.


Eyeliah @ stylesymmetry.com said...

What would I do without your blog? You sure bring the lols.
p.s. I spend so much time learning song lyrics, it is my life goal, seriously.

kristine said...

Cosmo is nothing but Seventeen grown-up. And DESERVES A MOCKING! Can we get a mollyoncosmo.blogspot.com? SERIOUSLY?

jess said...

What an amusing post. I've never hear of brown sugar and butter together before. I knew this kid who ate icecream and butter. I love the feeling of going from cold to warm sadly the feeling is good in reverse

Allison said...

Obv, anyone with a brain would understand why I LOVE your blog so much...you never cease to make me laugh, girl!
I loveee when I make cookies and I mix the sugar, brown sugar and butter together...it's crazy delicious. Now I don't feel so weird for doing that :)

Your philosophy on dressing up and commentary on Cosmo is absolutely fantastic. While I have to admit Cosmo is a guilty pleasure (the sex confessions are my favoriteee), it is so ridiculous.

Oh, and thanks for posting the Facebook link to the Paris Hilton is my idol group...seriously, I've been looking EVERYWHERE for a role model like her, and now everyone on Facebook can know it! ;)

Colie said...

I loved the rant on Cosmo--my friends and I found it in our high school, so we read our Sex Horoscopes (you know, so we would know exactly how to get it on that month).

Apparently Cancers enjoy missionary but should spice it up. I'm 16. I don't really have a lot to spice at all.

And thanks for the comments on my blog--very encouraging!

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh. are you serious? brown sugar and butter?
sounds a little on the gross side, but i'll trust you that its good.
i can't get enough of cake batter, cookie dough, brownie batter, either, which basically the same thing as sugar and butter, but with a lot more ingredients, i guess. and btw, thanks for voting for me on the bloggers choice awards thing! you are actually the first to do it! (besides me of course. how pathetic is that-i voted for my own self) i'm afraid not too many people are going to vote, though...

fhen said...

i know that the melted butter and brown sugar taste nice when you're making cookies hehe, but i think i will put oatmeal perhaps haha

and ya i agree woth your comment about cosmo and the dressing up thingy

you rock!

lovelove <3,

twenty.seven.cents said...

... at least she only has 21 followers? *cringes and then dies*

No problem for the Neal C. tip. I just found it out myself, so I figured I'd share! lol.

'... sun and moon and tree vibrations in the roaring winter dusks of Brooklyn, ashcan rantings and kind king light of mind.'

oh God, I keep looking at that damn myspace and it makes me sick. Also I know shit all about sports so I guess I'll be attracting one night stands like flies to a garbage heap. yessssssssss.

Sister Libby said...

What do I think everymorning when I wake up? I WANT TO BE MOLLY! Sometimes I even say it out loud. Brown Sugah and Buttah? Daaang...I dunno if I could handle that. And I thik your hot-cold body thing is genius. And a blog award, you say? I'm flattered. I would give you one too, if I had the athority (spelling...fuck...that's exactly what I'm talking about)

Keith said...

Hey Molly. Wow! That was such a fun post to read. I loved it! My sis reads Cosmo religiously. She will at times with her friends spout off some of the "wisdoms" from that mag.

Liberty London Girl said...

Your blog is hilarious! LLGxx

GraceFace said...

Now I can be exactly like you in every way xP

Crazy Eddie said...

OMG Molly love. You are as fucking crazy as I am.

I personally love the self-loving aspect of this post because I (Mr. Perfection) can totally relate. It's hard being on top all the time isn't it? It's utterly challenging to be the best dressed in the room, the well-versed, the best looking and most of all, the center of attention. Exhausting.

I love you even more my darling. A hag who know she is the shizz is a hag who just upped her hagster points.

Bravo (you've upgraded)

Besos perfecta

The Clothes Horse said...

Ooh, lovin' the tips on being like you!

Dooder City said...

my sister used to be obsessed with the combination of sugar and butter...i couldn't take it. also, i love bootsy! he is so classic.

MR style said...

love love

copperoranges said...


i started my list. i'm doing on woman at a time though. :)

Crazy Eddie said...

Hey Molly love. If you would like to see a picture of the man behind the MAVERICK, then come to my site.

It's me...


PS. I'm sure you will drop Andre 3000 once you see me in the photos.