are you putting us under? cuz we can't take our eyes off your t-shirt and ties combination

When I'm in a tough spot, I like to curl up with mtv.ca (Yes, we have an MTV Canada; "They just can't seem to get anything right up there, can they?" -Gavin Volure) and enjoy a little trashy reality TV. But since "16 & Pregnant" only comes out once a week, sometimes in cases of extra apathy, I have to venture out of my usual teen-mom canon and experiment with other MTV reality shows.

Yeah, I really should be reading.
A book, even.

Anyway, just now I decided to try watching My Life as Liz, as it seemed to at least be more interesting than The Hills (though, really, what isn't?)

I actually had to stop watching partway through because I was filled with such annoyance that I felt a rant coming on...and what better place to pour out my feelings than on my very own blog - and I'm sure Liz has one of her own because she is just so delightfully alternative.
I have never met the girl, so I cannot claim to have a problem with her but I cannot stand her phenomenally contrived persona. I guess she's supposed to be the Paramore crowd's answer to Lauren Conrad, but in this day and age, the unnatural-hair-colour-sportin', eye rollin', handheld-video-camera-wieldin', awkward-guy-friend-having, sarcastic "rebel" has become as obnoxious a stereotype as the bottle blond cheerleader type. Quirkiness is less endearing when it's as forced as this.

And I can't help but feel a bit of affection for Liz's foil character, the "Barbie" Taylor Terry. In the first episode, when she passive-aggressively confronts Liz's downright rude disdain for her with a "Like, what's the stereotype that, like, you think that people would, like, put me in?" (cue Liz's ironic glace into the camera - Taylor shows her who's the real bitch, matching her look with an aggressive glare) She obviously at least has a sense of humour about herself, filming a cutesy montage of her as a Barbie doll. In an online profile, she states "I hate girls with baby voices", "I eat like a man" and "I don't like the colour pink" - this girl's alright.

Now, bear in mind, this is mostly a snap judgement from seeing half of the first episode. However, one of my pet peeves are people who blanketly judge all religious people for being judgmental, based on a few extremists, and I feel that in a way this is what Liz does. She whines and whines about how people in her town judge anyone for being different, but all she does is judge other people. She thinks she's so superior to Taylor Terry and her clique just because she stopped trying to be like them - which, she indicates in the beginning of the episode, she only did because her former friends shunned her. Her "epiphany" was practically forced onto her by the very people she so bitterly hates...but it's not personal or anything.
I know what you're thinking: Holy crow, (yeah, I know you say "Holy crow", don't fight it) this chick (meaning ME) is a triple hypocrite - she's judging Liz for judging other people for judging.
The difference? I'm not criticizing Liz the person, but Liz the MTV character. And once you're an MTV character, you're opening yourself up to this kind of thing: blogs are the heart and soul of television these days.
Actually, I just un-paused it for a minute, and must give Liz major props for admitting that Taylor Terry "isn't that bad". Baby steps...
The fact that this is on MTV makes it nearly impossible for me to believe that Liz is any more genuine than Heidi Montag's face (and I am instantly embarassed by the laziness of that analogy) - how did a girl like this get a TV show anyway?
Because she wanted to be on MTV. So the difference between Liz and The Hills ladies (whom, for the record, I do find 10 times more despicable than Liz, despite the rest of this sentence)? Those blondies are at least honest about their shallowness.

i brought you in the back just to have a conversation, really think you need some ventilation

My Potentially Controversial Opinions on Various Topics:

If you don't care, stop reading now.

Rihanna:
Look, I don't demand much from a pop star. The lyrics can get lazy (I still love you old-school Black Eyed Peas). You don't have to sell out stadiums (Amerie forever holds a place in my heart). You don't even have to be that great of a singer (Britneyyyyy). But I do want a pop star to have something, that quote-unquote "It factor". CHARISMA. This is why I can't stand Rihanna.
Don't get me wrong. I love her song "S.O.S." and that will likely never stop. However, it's not as though no one else could have made that song great. In fact, it would have been massively improved without her dull, intoning voice. That song's greatness is the production and the sampling. That Rihanna is the singer is pure chance.
What I strongly dislike about her ("hate" is such a strong word) is that she has no personality whatsoever. Is that just me? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here!
Does nobody else on this planet notice that her eyes are like an emotionless void. She just seems so dead all the time. And I think her new "bad girl" image is painfully contrived.
She seems like the kind of girl who just does what she's told and it pisses me off how she's becoming a symbol of strength. This ain't Tina Turner, guys.
Though, clearly, I'm the one who is missing something here, because she is wildly successful. And you know what? I'm wrong. It's because of her distinct lack of genuine personality that she has thrived so. She is the "perfect" pop star because she can be whoever suits the record label's interests best.
That won't build you a nice warm nesting in the inviting place that is my heart, RiRi.

Roman Motherfucking Polanski:
Now, I am a big fan of Roman Polanski's work, and I adored his autobiography, but I'm not simply blindly defending him when I say let him go! My two main reasons for this:
1. He is clearly not a continued threat. Since the situation in the 70's, there has been no further complaints. He has settled down and married.
2. This is the more important one, in my opinion. His "victim" has repeatedly begged the court to not pursue the case.
What is the reason sex offenders are prosecuted? To prevent further incidents and to avenge the victim. If he isn't a threat and the victim desperately wants the case dropped, what purpose are we serving?

Am I saying celebrities should be exempt from the law? Not necessarily. But I do think high-profile artists like Roman Polanski should not be treated like your average neighborhood pervert. And that's just my opinion.

T-Pain:
People find this surprising but I love. T-Pain. And yes, you have to pause after that "love" to get the proper emphasis. No, I don't like everybody and their step-third-cousin using AutoTune, but everything in moderation, people, and T-Pain owns that shit. I've raved about his genius ("And let me assure you: I use that word often" - Tracy Jordan) before. I had a lot to say on the subject but it was simply the same themes over and over: subversive yadda yadda, statement on the depth of human emotion yadda yadda, really sweet dance moves yadda yadda, P-Funk-esque top hat...
I also have a playlist on my iPod called "I'm T-Pain, you know me"

Family Circus:
People who know me well know a few things: I have a deep, semi-unexplained love for Scatman Crothers (mostly based on the awesomeness of his name), I cannot sleep with a TV or light on and I will get huffy until that is remedied and I have a blind rage for Family Circus that I can rant about for minutes. I'd say hours, but, really, let's be reasonable.
I believe Family Circus is the devil disguised in an "innocent" family comic strip. Why? Because it defies all logic. It is a comic strip that is never funny. I am not exaggerating. It is literally never funny. And it's not even amusing in a so-bad-its-good way. More often than not, I can't even see anything that remotely resembles a joke. Sometimes its like, "alright, nice try, Family Circus, but that joke wasn't funny". But usually it's like, "That is just a sentence. I cannot even detect an attempt at a joke."
Oftentimes, I like to play a game with myself where I read the comics and judge what percentage of times that a comic strip is entertaining. For example, Doonesbury is funny 95% of the time, Dilbert is funny 80% of the time, Hagar is funny 10% of the time...Family Circus is the only one that scores 0%.

My theory: the author's idea of funny is getting paid for this bullshit.
A rudimentary understanding of the concept of infinite doesn't automatically translate to "funny", guy.

give up the funk....seriously, snoop, leave it to the pros

Just need to take a quick break from the 7 Things that define me list, because, goddammit, I've got something on my mind.
Now, I personally am a fan of hip-hop - give me some Outkast, Busta Rhymes, Jockin Jay-Z, Mos Def, Talib Kweli and I will purr contentedly like a kitten on morphine. However, it is far too often that hip-hop abuses the precious gift called The Funk.
James Brown is the most sampled artist of all time, but Parliament-Funkadelic is a close second and some of the clumsy samples I hear make my ears hemorrhage.

The main offender:

Snoop Dogg.
Now, it is not to say I hate Snoop Dogg, because in fact I find him highly likable - I think his performance of Huggy Bear helps. But when I thought about hip-hop songs that figuratively raped that good ol funky thang, 4 out of the 5 that first popped into my mind were courtesy of the Dee Oh Double-Gee. The other was Ice Cube.

• "Flashlight" by Parliament vs. "Stoplight" by Snoop Dogg
  I am secure enough to admit that Snoop Dogg pimping whilst riding a Segway is badass on a whole nutha level, but he even jacks the opening "How else can you capture the world if you dont attack from the back...to the rear, march!" from P-Funk's "How else can you capture a boogie if you dont attack from the back...to the rear, march!" It must have been difficult to make one of P-Funk`s most joyous cuts sound so labouring - and it almost sounds like he got George and Bootsy to sing back-up? Could be wishful mishearing, though.
  I must admit, the fun video is making this song borderline enjoyable, but the bottom line is that it is just superfluous - why would you ever listen to "Stoplight" when you could be listening to "Flashlight"?
  
  

  
  
  stoplight/flashlight
  
• "Get Down On It" by Kool and the Gang vs. "We Just Wanna Party With You" by Snoop Dogg and Jermaine Dupri
  Now, Snoop isn't fully to blame on this one - it is technically Jermaine Dupri's (who I have to give mad credit for the Godfather II reference - Don Ciccio? Badass!) And
  it is, I must admit, a very enjoyable song (I've loved it since I got the Men In Black
  soundtrack at age 10) - until you hear the Kool & the Gang song that it (forgive my
  vulgarity on this one) rapes. The 70's original makes the 90's sample/cover sound weak, cheap and silly.
  
  

  
  
  get down/we just wanna
  
• "Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker)" by Parliament vs. "Undercova Funk (Give Up the Funk)" by Snoop Dogg
  I'll admit that this number - undoubtedly P-Funk's most well-known cut - is probably my least favourite of theirs. I'm not sure what exactly it's missing for me, but what it needs definitely isn't sparing substitution of the word "gangsta" for various lyrics, or some lazy rhyming. "Man, these suckas on the mic ain't sayin' nothin'" Snoop complains - well ain't that just George Clinton calling Bootsy Collins one badass motherfunker.
  
  

  
  
  give up the funk
  
• "Atomic Dog" by George Clinton vs. "What's My Name?" by Snoop Dogg
  There is really nothing to say here but Snoop doggy dooooooooogggg..uh, I mean, A-tom-ic dooooooggggg.
  
  

  
  
  doggystyle
  

i don't go round trying to be what i'm not, i don't waste my time trying to get what you got

Stuff That Impress Me:

• How somebody manages to find a way to rhyme "ballin' ya" with "angels calling us" in that mediocre Lil' Wayne song "Mrs. Officer"
  
  


• Exactly how far VH1 can push their spinoffs. Case in point: The Surreal Life becomes Strange Love which turns into Flavor of Love which produces I Love New York which gifted the world with Real, the love of my short life and Real Chance at Love.
  
• This whole Miss California debate and how far beyond the point it's reached. Even though I personally believe gay people should be allowed to wed, I've gotta side with Miss California on this one. She was asked a straightforward question and she answered it honestly and, I thought, pretty diplomatically. With all the furor, I'd thought for sure that she'd revealed a forked tongue and screamed "FAGS MUST DIE" into the microphone. I'd really like to establish that I do support gay marriage and I do think beauty pagaents are silly and shallow, but how people are treating her is cruel and damn near hypocritical. She's not actually denying anyone of their rights - she's just saying her opinion.
  
  
• This picture. Too. Much. Awesomeness. Cannot. Compute.
  
  


• Lady Gaga's acoustic piano performances - how she takes her dance-pop hits and then plays them live just her and a piano, usually incredibly dramatically. I love it, this is how pop music should be.
  
  
• Life, and how it always works out. And spring!!
  

and the devil said, would you like to dance with me? we're doing the cosmic slop

I know it's been awhile and the simple reason for that is because I've had nothing to say. The long reason for that is that the sun has emerged and everyday I spend all my time lying out on the grass, biking through the forest and also doing not-spring-related things.
I have no big post theme, but have collected some miscellaneous thoughts and opinions for your enjoyment.

• You know what scenario I am fully sick and tired of seeing in YA novels? When the narrator has no idea that her close male friend is into her. Prime example: When Georgia Nicholson can't realize that Dave the Laugh (only one of the greatest fictional human beings to ever exist) is madly in love with her.
  What it usually looks like:
  I asked Tom for his advice on my situation with Blake. A funny look crossed his face and he told me he had heard some rather convincing rumours that Blake is extravagantly homosexual, not to mention he's really bad at lacrosse. I don't know what's gotten into Tom lately - he's been so moody. I bet it has something to do with him suddenly and unexpectedly dumping his girlfriend right around the time we started hanging out. I should try to get them back together.
  Yes, teen authors, I understand that there is such a thing as foreshadowing, and that you need to prepare us readers mentally or we will FALL APART with shock when the protagonist's closest male friend reveals himself to be into her. But come on! How often does this scenario happen in real life? We ladies have something called "women's intuition" - no matter how much false modesty we pile on a situation, we tend to suspect it deep down when a guy is into us. In fact, more realistic would be when we oversuspect and get the idea a guy friend is into us when he's not.
  Basically, it's played-out, unrealistic and boring. Enough!
  
  
• Lately I've been having a number non-sexual 30 Rock-themed fantasies. They range from getting a piggyback from Grizz to hiring the entire cast to be locked in a castle with me while I trip on mushrooms so hopefully when I transcend consciousness enough I'll start actually feeling like I'm on the show because judging from DVD extras, a lot of them seem a lot like their characters. Other fantasies include Jenna trying to teach me hip-hop dancing, making Tracy Jordan re-enact my favourite Busta Rhymes video and Jack Donaghy stroking my hair and telling me stories while I'm falling asleep.
  
  


• Flight of the Conchords...where have you been all my life?
  
• I'm going to Mission this weekend and I shall photograph over a dozen new items for my online store. So best be ready!
  
  
• Happy Birthday, Eddie Hazel! In the mood for a good old fashioned mindblowing sesh? Dig!
  
  
  
• In other Funkadelic-related news, I just found this video of them crazying (theres no verb for it really) around a park to the tune of "Cosmic Slop". It was the most joyous sight I'd ever seen. Ever. My spirits were instantly lifted. I couldn't decide which man I was in love with most. Seriously, in the first few seconds when they come bursting out of the darkness, energy on 100....I dare you not to get a little bit excited.

i'm just funkin around for fun

There's a lot of things I hear on a daily basis ("Maybe Wheat Thins aren't the most nourishing breakfast"; "Are you quoting Fat Albert again?"; "In fact, ma'am, it is illegal to do naked cartwheels on the legislative building lawn") but what I hear most often is that people want to be me.

A common lament.
Science, the bitchy, STD-laden mistress of the universe, has dictated that the only person can be me, and again, I'm the lucky one here because I'm me. The rest of you just have to settle for being like me. As I'm a bit of a complex person (a Cancer with Capricorn rising and Moon in Sagittarius in fact), this is hard - you can, however, partake in activities that I regularly enjoy. For example

-Melted butter and brown sugar as cereal
Sounds gross, doesn't it? Oh, wait, no it doesn't - it sounds delicious. And that's cuz it is. I discovered this while making brownies or cookies or something traditional (read: boring yet tasty). It's much easier and it leaves your teeth with a delightful coated-in-crunchy/liquid-cavities sensation.

-Fun with body temperature!!
What's more satisfying then coming home from a stroll (okay, shuffle) through a snowstorm to a a warm, maybe even crackling, fire? Only wearing a fur coat while listening to Let's Get It On and ignoring all previous commitments. Unfortunately, you don't always have a snowstorm or a fireplace or even the ability to decipher crackling. This satisfaction must then be artificially simulated. But don't like the robotic mumbo-jumbo throw you - this can be just as fun. Basically, you have to begin with a forced coldness. You may do this how you wish; I get naked. Wander around, open a window, stand in front of the freezer. Yes, it's painful but hang in there. You cold yet? Good. Now wait, and retain your body's coldness. If you can, get even colder. You want to be cold to your core. When you're really and truly cold, then take a nice, warm bath.
It might not be the best way to befriend your hypothalamus, but it sure feels good.

-Deciphering difficult to understand lyrics

Okay...I know what you're thinking: "What do you do with your life?? Don't you have a job?" The answers are, respectively, I indulge and enjoy myself; and no, that would cut into my bathing time. I do have a lot of time on my hands, but that's precisely how I like my life to be. Anyway, I've found that it can be fun trying to decipher lyrics that cannot be found on the Internet. This is particularly fun with songs where there's some brain-sucking bass and you're being hit in the face with funk, and then they've got people shouting dementedly awesome lyrics (of course I'm talking P-Funk here). Here's a good starter song:

Ahh...The Name Is Bootsy, Baby - Bootsy Collins

What do you hear around the 1:42-2:47 mark? My answer below to compare*.
See? Fun and educational and entertaining!

*Little boy: Hey, Leroy! There's a Bootsy right there!
Leroy: Where? I don't see him, where?
Little boy: Right over there!
Leroy: Where?
Little boy: Right there....I, I wonder if we can ask him a question.

Leroy: I guess so!
Little boy: I'm kinda scared...
Leroy: Aw, man, come on!
Little boy: Wow! Where did you hear that? [still indecipherable] Hey...hey...hey, Bootsy man (?) why your face like a star?
Bootsy: The name is Bootsy, baby, and the better to funk you, my dear.
Leroy: Casper...why we can't see you?
Bootsy: Ahh...I'm in the street cuz I lost my sheep...and I does not know where to find them.
Little boy: Hey, Bootsy...Bootsy...Bootsy....his eyes!! Oooh....they're like stars, too!
Leroy: I say, Bootsy, you're a superstar, right?
Bootsy: Ah, twinkle, twinkle, baby.
Leroy: Ha! I told ya, man.
Bootsy: Now, can I play?
Bootsy always pronounces baby "baba" - appreciate.

-Playing dress-up
Frankly, I'm shocked that dressing up is considered "childish" or "silly" or "nonessential to human survival". Since, as I just mentioned, I've fortunate enough to have large amounts of spare time on my hands, dressing up is something I do quite often. The extent of dressing up varies, but some models I like to tackle are dressing up like a friend or someone you know, dressing up like your past self, dressing up like a celebrity, dressing up like a stereotype (as you can see, I personally enjoy costuming myself - in an incredibly loving and respectful manner - as a First Nations person) or dressing up as a character you yourself has created. For example, a long silk nightgown and a fur coat gives satisfying ex-wife-of-famous-movie-exec-who-is-eschewing-plastic surgery-because-she-just-doesn't-give-a-fuck-about-anything-except-her-martinis vibes.

-Reading Cosmopolitan and Seventeen, etc.
This activity is rich in lol-possibilities. However, its important to note that this can be quite dangerous, as these magazines have a high danger level of brainwashing. If you are feeling fragile, searching for guidance or obsessively into a guy, I would recommend that these magazines are not for you. That being said, if you are secure with yourself and your ability to attract the gender you desire, reading these frivolous magazines can be fun in a combined watching-a-car-accident and laughing-at-idiocy manner. It can also be a little bit infuriating, but I would advise that you take that anger and turn it into mockery.
For example, according to Cosmopolitan, I should not know more about sports than my beau. This demasculates him. If I do happen to know more than him (freak of nature that I must be), I should keep this secret and play along like he is the Wise Sportsmaster of the Mountaintop. Yes, Cosmo, forget honesty and equality - let's just stroke some egos and con our men into staying with us. And while we're at it, why don't you show us the right way to stroke some tangible appendages? Because we must be doing it wrong if we're not doing it the COSMO! way.
Also, I don't feel I know myself well enough; can I please take a COSMO! quiz so you can shuffle me into one of three categories?
Irritating but not as harmful are the articles about the cover women, because they all say the exact same thing: OMG, guys, _______ isn't your typical Hollywood starlet!! She's honest, funny, nice and she actually eats!......just like every other FUN FEARLESS FEMALE!! featured in Cosmopolitain.
In my mind, the worst thing Cosmopolitan (and similar magazines) does it perpetrate the stereotype that all men think alike. For example, did you know that if a men half-smiles at you when you meet him it means he only wants no-strings-attached sex? Forget the 817 other reasons he might be half-smiling; this relationship will never be anything but a one night stand. All that garnered from a half-smile?
It's sad for women who take this seriously, but their loss is your gain. Get a magazine like this from the library (so you're not putting money into their pockets) and enjoy the stupid advice women are actually following. And we wonder why travesties like this exist?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy livin' Ashcan Rantings every now and then - I know I do!