...the kind you find in a secondhand store

The lovely Michelle from stray cat blues (check out her blog for inspiration from this classy lady with impeccable taste) sort of tagged me to list seven things that make me, me. She didn't explicitly tag me, but she tagged all her readers and gave me a special mention, which made me nearly-literally weep with joy and gratitude.
In any case, one of my great joys in life is talking about myself so I am thrilled to share with you, one at a time,

7 Things That Make Me Who I Am - Part One

1. I go shopping at least three times per week.
Thrift-store shopping of course! For myself and my online vintage store - people often ask how I manage to find the wondrous haberdashery that I do and the "secret" (if you could call it that) is simply effort. Well, okay, it's not as simple as all that - I've been to some towns where the thrifting is just miserable. To be a thrift store success as I am, you need the following combination:

• Good thrift stores
  Living in a more affluent area helps, but it really comes down to the variety of people who would be donating to these thrift stores. I personally live in a community that is both fairly wealthy and full of retiring hippies - a recipe for good thrifting if I ever heard one!
• Dedication
  Yeah, going thrifting a couple times a month will yield results - but if you go three, four, five times a week, you get to snag the exciting pieces before anyone else. Hell, I'm all for daily thrifting, but with my busy laying-in-bed schedule, it's just not always possible.
• Sense of self
  It's good to know specifics of what you're looking for - for example, I favour ethnic patterns, fur and beaded jewelry. When you're in a rush, it's easier to skim for what you like.

That's not to say I don't enjoy some good cheap mall jeans, because I overindulge in those $15 Body Central jeans that last surprisingly long. But my secondhand goods add a much-needed shot of soul into my wardrobe.
Let's play a little quiz game to discuss thrift store clothing further - here's a bunch of pictures of me. Which of these outfits do you think were bought at thrift stores and which were bought at the mall?

Answer: Trick question! They are all thrift store finds. All of them! Every last one - shoes, belts, hats, scarves, the clothes themselves...all but the umbrella, I scrounged up at thrift stores.
The most expensive item? The suede, fur-trimmed groupie coat, top row centre - $10.

Bow down.

i want to sleep in the city that never wakes up and revel in nostalgia

Back in January, I did a post that a lot of people (including me) seemed to get a bit of a kick out of. Basically, I have a feature in my sidebar called Feedjit, which tells me where people who visit my blog are from and how they got there. And, frankly, I've seen some weird Google searches lead to my blog. Even though I'm super-duper busy and whatnot, I've kept track of some of the more curious searches to share with you today.

"what does it means kiss your flower?"
(El Paso, Texas)
Well, for one thing, this person doesn't know the first order of business when encountered with a slang phrase you're unfamiliar with. Urban Dictionary could have solved your conundrum before you made it through the first page of Google's flower ads. Frankly, I Googled for myself and my blog wasn't on the first or second page (after that, I got bored and stopped) - which means they went through pages and pages to find an answer to their dire query.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I'll spell it out for ya:
Get it? Good.

"Bojana panic nude pictures"
(Southport, England)
Okay...I've heard of people who get off on pain...I've heard of people who get off on being dominated...I've heard of people who get off on all kinds of weird things...but panic? Panic in itself? Hmm...these must be the type of people who get caught jerking off in the back aisle of Godzilla or something.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
No, I'm afraid not.

I was lying when I said "I'm afraid not."

"alex turner sexy face"
(Sydney)
Q: What's an Alex Turner sexy face?
A: All of them, of course!
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I'll give them what we all need.

Yeah, you're welcome.
"Sexy face"...last time "tight pants" - I'm filling all Alex Turner-super-ghetto-collage requests.

"sexy girls downy pics"
(Istanbul)
Granted, I've never been to Istanbul, but where I come from "sexy" and "downy" are pretty much mutually exclusive. Maybe they mean something different when they say "downy" but I'm really not going to Google it to find out. It's a sick world out there.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
Institutionalization? No.

"what happened to alex turner he looks weird"
(Mexico)
Please...give generously.
But in all seriousness, this comment made me realize I hadn't seen any recent pictures of Alex Turner, so I did a quick Google search (see, kids, I can do it too) and found a picture from this past February.
Let's just say I was so far from disappointed I'm not even going to bother looking up the antonym for "disappointed". You see, he's grown out his hair.
The single most crucial thing a guy can do to better his appearence...and better it he did.

Sexy before, but feast your eyes on THIS:
He's always been a handsome chap, but with hair like that...A+++
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I provided them with proof that they either are visually impaired or that they have what they kids today call "wack" taste.

"men forced into silk nightgowns"
(New Brunswick)
This person might be my new hero. I don't know what prompted them to search this, but the mere image makes me giddy.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I wish.

"she may never freak again"
(Wisconsin)
On the flip side, this may be the most depressing phrase I've ever read. Never freak again? Never??
Imagining hearing this from a doctor nearly brings me to tears. Way to end this one a downer.
Did ashcan rantings give them what they needed?
I don't know...what does one need in this sort of situation? I can only hope I offered some sort of marginal amount of solace.

And there ya have it. As long as people keep Googling messed up shit, I shall be there.

its the way you flip your hair and the stylish clothes you wear, when you walk into the room all my partners stop and stare

It's time for another exciting round of plugging vintage by answering fake letters demanding help choosing clothing for obscure (also fake events). The clothes, however, are real, and being sold by myself on my online vintage store Safe as Milk Vintage or my friend Nicola on her online vintage store Nicola's Vintage Boutique.

The fast track to being cool and stylish, as everyone knows, is to let a stranger tell you how to dress. So sit back, relax and dig.

Situation:
"I enjoy taking to my boat to cruise the peninsula, but my fashion-obsessed preteen daughter is not the nautical type. She'd much rather be shopping for tank tops to show off her toned arms (she's quite the softball player, you know). Anyway, her birthday is coming up and I'd like to buy her something to encourage her to sailboat more often with us, as she is a slave to her own clothing and will do whatever it hints that she should (for this very reason, she no longer shops at Hot Topic). What do you suggest I do?"
Solution:
Your entire family seems to have issues far beyond my abilities but I can hook you and your daughter up with a very charming sailboat tank top.
This top is perfect for a smaller girl, either someone young or someone quite petite. I just love the sailboat design, and the overall 70's vibe. Find it here.

Situation:
"I am obsessed with London fashion. Specifically, the 60's mod scene and the 90's rave scene. I often dream of ways these two worlds could collide but it seems, sadly, that this could probably never be. Anyway, now that I've rambled to you for a bit about a fully unrelated topic that is definitely not foreshadowing of any sort, I will get down to my query and it is this: I am a contestant in the Banana Sunrise Leg O' The Morning To Ya beauty pagaents (it's a bit obscure). It involves dressing up in yellow and showing off one's legs (plus we get bonus points for a little cleavage). As I am known for my vintage flair, I need to take something old and make it look new and exciting (and flaunt my legs - and cleavage!)"
Solution:
How funnily coincidental that you should mention a desire for a mod/rave yellow minidress with cleavage. For Nicola happens to be a selling an extremely fetching little number of the very sort!Legs? Check. Cleavage? Check. Yellow? Check. Plus it's super mod, with a neon raver flair (you can't tell it very well in the picture, but it is, in fact, quite neon). And the cut-outs add a whole new element of excitement sure to impress the judges. Miss Banana Sunrise 2009, no need for thanks, just click here.

Situation:
"I consider myself to be something of a quirky soul. I enjoy eccentric dress and fun accessories. Recently I chopped my formerly-long-and-luxuious hair off and, though I love my new style, I have noticed a gaping space between my earlobes and my shoulders. For some reason, I find this unsettling. I need some large earrings to fill the literal void above my shoulders and the figurative void of not wearing enough cool accessories.
I also have a deep affinity for nocturnal creatures. There's just something about preying at night I find thoroughly exciting."
Solution:
If by "preying at night" you mean "wearing owl earrings", well, I can help your life get a whole lot more exciting.

Boom. Now, do you love it or do you want to sacrifice a litter of kittens to wear it on your ears? Okay, just loving it is enough for me. Give in to your own desires here.

Situation:
"I looooooooove The Who. Like, looooooooooooooove. Soo badass, with the blind pinballing and the bleeding hands and the "YOU CAN'T HAVE IT" and the mod beginnings and whatnot. ANYWHO, strangely enough, what I love most about The Who is their early 80's period. When I saw them on their '82 American tour, my brain was blown so wide open I'm still missing a small chunk of my frontal lobe. Is there anything vintage I could wear to flaunt my highly specified feelings about The Who?"
Solution:
Strangely, yes. Would an original '82 Who concert t-shirt do it for ya?
Faded to rock-star goodness, this rock tee will bring the badass to every occasion. You don't even need your frontal lobe to enjoy it - just a click here.

Situation:
"I love the 1960's and most particularly the London mod scene of the times. I work in an office and need a mod-like outfit that would be appropriate to wear to work. I also fancy one of my co-workers and would like to emphasize my blue eyes, as I saw on a Facebook survey he posted that eyes are his "favourite part of the opposite sex". I also love the look of buttons but lack the full dexterity to maneuver them. Please help."
Solution:
It's like shooting rubber duckies in a barrel. Would this mod minidress suit your needs?
Yes, yes, it would. The style = mod and appropriate for the office, the pattern = fun and original, the buttons = ornamental, the colour = very complimentary for blue eyes. You're good to go! Just click here.

hey, hey, hey, that cat's okay

Maybe if we all lived life frolicking about a Diablo Cody movie, we could all the oh-so-enviable person who seems to have an awesomely random quote that suits an occasion perfectly. Unfortunately, this can be tough, as the moments that most fervently call for a well-timed, well-chosen, well-delivered quote are the moments when it's most difficult to think of one. To your rescue, as usual, I have developped a easy-to-use guide to movie/television quotes and when they're best employed.
Here's what to say to make people eavesdropping on your conversation wish they were your friend.

"N.C. - No class!"
Background: This Fat Albert & the Cosby Kids catchphrase is definitely my most-often used quote. Usually spoken by Rudy or Russell
Situation to use: Your friend falls over drunk, a guy makes an immature joke, you spy a girl throwing herself at a guy - basically anytime someone behaves in a way that you imagine the Queen would sniff her nose haughtily upon witnessing.
Delivery: The "N.C." preceding is optional, but adds a more specificness to the quote. A wittier prefacing phrase is "You're like school on Saturday: no class!" Study Russell's disgusted tone here at 3:08 - you'll want to capture this sort of casually irreverent superiority.
What it says about you as a person: You're witty, retro, impossibly hip and possess a sublime sense of humour.
If you liked this quote, why not try...: some other good-natured insults like "They oughta call you a broken clock...cause you don't know what time it is!" and "They oughta call you a paratrooper...cause you fell down on the job"; prefacing any phrase that ends with the sound "ay" with "Hey, hey, hey"

"It's all happening!"
Backgound: Almost Famous...need I say any more?
Situation to use: Life is going well/something good happens
Delivery: With almost-innocent enthusiasm and pure joy, such as Polexia at 1:09 here.
What it says about you as a person: You're an optimistic rocker chick with a wild spirit and a heart of gold.
If you liked this quote, why not try...: "I AM A GOLDEN GOD!" (when you're feeling free, or drunk, or both); "You'll meet them all again on the long journey to the middle" (when offering words of pseudo-comfort); "...this is the maid speaking, by the way" (when you have revealed information that you don't want to take credit for revealing)

"You see what God just did to us, man?!"
Backgound: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas...as they accidentally let some of their cocaine blow away
Situation to use: Something bad happened that was pretty much definitely your fault
Delivery: Bewildered dismay
What it says about you as a person: You're pure, grade-A rad.
If you liked this quote, why not try...: "As your attorney, I advise you to slow down...I can't keep up!" (when somebody's out partying you and it's not okay - and, let's face it, this is never okay); "I'd rather not say - my brother's in politics" (when someone asks your name and you don't want to tell them, though, sadly, this is probably way too obscure for anyone to pick up on); "I am fortune's fool!" (this isn't Fear and Loathing - it's Shakespeare - but it applies to the same situation and adds a touch of class)

"That's just, like, your opinion, man."
Backgound: The Big Lebowski, when Jesus tells the Dude and Walter that he's going to fuck them up
Situation to use: Somebody states an insulting fact (preferably not an actual opinion)
Delivery: Like you just don't give a fuck.
What it says about you as a person: You're chill. And awesome.
If you liked this quote, why not try...: anything from The Big Lebowski, at any time.

"Milk was a bad choice."
Backgound: Ron Burgandy in Anchorman while drinking milk from the carton during a hot summer's day
Situation to use: Whenever you've made any sort of bad decision. For example, the other day I went for a bike ride but misjudged the temperature and didn't wear gloves, so I said (to myself) "Milk was a bad choice." In this analogy, "milk" represented my lack of gloves. You follow? Also, if you happened to see the movie "Milk" and you didn't like it, well, there's a golden opportunity right there.
Delivery: Study this.
What it says about you as a person: You're amusing, fun to be with, perhaps guilty of making poor decisions now and then, but humble enough to admit it.
If you liked this quote, why not try...: "Oh yeah, about that, it's probably just the pants, I was meaning to take them back to the, uh, pants store" (when someone informs you that you have a massive erection); "There are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you" (when your boyfriend says "I love you" for the first time - seriously, you must, he'll think it's hilarious...probably); "I will take your mother out to a nice seafood dinner and NEVER call her again!" (when you want to insult someone to their core)

And of course, Zoolander is the safest bet of all time.

i'm just funkin around for fun

There's a lot of things I hear on a daily basis ("Maybe Wheat Thins aren't the most nourishing breakfast"; "Are you quoting Fat Albert again?"; "In fact, ma'am, it is illegal to do naked cartwheels on the legislative building lawn") but what I hear most often is that people want to be me.

A common lament.
Science, the bitchy, STD-laden mistress of the universe, has dictated that the only person can be me, and again, I'm the lucky one here because I'm me. The rest of you just have to settle for being like me. As I'm a bit of a complex person (a Cancer with Capricorn rising and Moon in Sagittarius in fact), this is hard - you can, however, partake in activities that I regularly enjoy. For example

-Melted butter and brown sugar as cereal
Sounds gross, doesn't it? Oh, wait, no it doesn't - it sounds delicious. And that's cuz it is. I discovered this while making brownies or cookies or something traditional (read: boring yet tasty). It's much easier and it leaves your teeth with a delightful coated-in-crunchy/liquid-cavities sensation.

-Fun with body temperature!!
What's more satisfying then coming home from a stroll (okay, shuffle) through a snowstorm to a a warm, maybe even crackling, fire? Only wearing a fur coat while listening to Let's Get It On and ignoring all previous commitments. Unfortunately, you don't always have a snowstorm or a fireplace or even the ability to decipher crackling. This satisfaction must then be artificially simulated. But don't like the robotic mumbo-jumbo throw you - this can be just as fun. Basically, you have to begin with a forced coldness. You may do this how you wish; I get naked. Wander around, open a window, stand in front of the freezer. Yes, it's painful but hang in there. You cold yet? Good. Now wait, and retain your body's coldness. If you can, get even colder. You want to be cold to your core. When you're really and truly cold, then take a nice, warm bath.
It might not be the best way to befriend your hypothalamus, but it sure feels good.

-Deciphering difficult to understand lyrics

Okay...I know what you're thinking: "What do you do with your life?? Don't you have a job?" The answers are, respectively, I indulge and enjoy myself; and no, that would cut into my bathing time. I do have a lot of time on my hands, but that's precisely how I like my life to be. Anyway, I've found that it can be fun trying to decipher lyrics that cannot be found on the Internet. This is particularly fun with songs where there's some brain-sucking bass and you're being hit in the face with funk, and then they've got people shouting dementedly awesome lyrics (of course I'm talking P-Funk here). Here's a good starter song:

Ahh...The Name Is Bootsy, Baby - Bootsy Collins

What do you hear around the 1:42-2:47 mark? My answer below to compare*.
See? Fun and educational and entertaining!

*Little boy: Hey, Leroy! There's a Bootsy right there!
Leroy: Where? I don't see him, where?
Little boy: Right over there!
Leroy: Where?
Little boy: Right there....I, I wonder if we can ask him a question.

Leroy: I guess so!
Little boy: I'm kinda scared...
Leroy: Aw, man, come on!
Little boy: Wow! Where did you hear that? [still indecipherable] Hey...hey...hey, Bootsy man (?) why your face like a star?
Bootsy: The name is Bootsy, baby, and the better to funk you, my dear.
Leroy: Casper...why we can't see you?
Bootsy: Ahh...I'm in the street cuz I lost my sheep...and I does not know where to find them.
Little boy: Hey, Bootsy...Bootsy...Bootsy....his eyes!! Oooh....they're like stars, too!
Leroy: I say, Bootsy, you're a superstar, right?
Bootsy: Ah, twinkle, twinkle, baby.
Leroy: Ha! I told ya, man.
Bootsy: Now, can I play?
Bootsy always pronounces baby "baba" - appreciate.

-Playing dress-up
Frankly, I'm shocked that dressing up is considered "childish" or "silly" or "nonessential to human survival". Since, as I just mentioned, I've fortunate enough to have large amounts of spare time on my hands, dressing up is something I do quite often. The extent of dressing up varies, but some models I like to tackle are dressing up like a friend or someone you know, dressing up like your past self, dressing up like a celebrity, dressing up like a stereotype (as you can see, I personally enjoy costuming myself - in an incredibly loving and respectful manner - as a First Nations person) or dressing up as a character you yourself has created. For example, a long silk nightgown and a fur coat gives satisfying ex-wife-of-famous-movie-exec-who-is-eschewing-plastic surgery-because-she-just-doesn't-give-a-fuck-about-anything-except-her-martinis vibes.

-Reading Cosmopolitan and Seventeen, etc.
This activity is rich in lol-possibilities. However, its important to note that this can be quite dangerous, as these magazines have a high danger level of brainwashing. If you are feeling fragile, searching for guidance or obsessively into a guy, I would recommend that these magazines are not for you. That being said, if you are secure with yourself and your ability to attract the gender you desire, reading these frivolous magazines can be fun in a combined watching-a-car-accident and laughing-at-idiocy manner. It can also be a little bit infuriating, but I would advise that you take that anger and turn it into mockery.
For example, according to Cosmopolitan, I should not know more about sports than my beau. This demasculates him. If I do happen to know more than him (freak of nature that I must be), I should keep this secret and play along like he is the Wise Sportsmaster of the Mountaintop. Yes, Cosmo, forget honesty and equality - let's just stroke some egos and con our men into staying with us. And while we're at it, why don't you show us the right way to stroke some tangible appendages? Because we must be doing it wrong if we're not doing it the COSMO! way.
Also, I don't feel I know myself well enough; can I please take a COSMO! quiz so you can shuffle me into one of three categories?
Irritating but not as harmful are the articles about the cover women, because they all say the exact same thing: OMG, guys, _______ isn't your typical Hollywood starlet!! She's honest, funny, nice and she actually eats!......just like every other FUN FEARLESS FEMALE!! featured in Cosmopolitain.
In my mind, the worst thing Cosmopolitan (and similar magazines) does it perpetrate the stereotype that all men think alike. For example, did you know that if a men half-smiles at you when you meet him it means he only wants no-strings-attached sex? Forget the 817 other reasons he might be half-smiling; this relationship will never be anything but a one night stand. All that garnered from a half-smile?
It's sad for women who take this seriously, but their loss is your gain. Get a magazine like this from the library (so you're not putting money into their pockets) and enjoy the stupid advice women are actually following. And we wonder why travesties like this exist?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy livin' Ashcan Rantings every now and then - I know I do!

"i look like i eat tuna casserole all day" lookin' boy

Stylish Vancouverite Eyeliah has tagged me for the 7 Random Things tag. I do so love this tag, it's my third time doing it. I don't find it hard at all, because I'm pretty self-involved, and I love thinking about myself (sounds cold but true).

1. The celebrities I get told I resemble are Gail Zappa, Cory Kennedy, Miss Sparky (from the GTO's), Katie Holmes and Irina Lazareanu.

2. The South Park moment that amuses me most consistantly is in the episode "Tonsil Trouble" where Cartman gets accidentally gets infected with HIV, and responds to every "Are you sure?" with "I'm HIV-positive". It just never gets less funny.

3. Even though my friends rule and I enjoy being with them so much, I love being by myself and doing things by myself. I know lots of people prefer to do everything with friends (shopping, eating out, etc.), but I think it's important to feel comfortable doing all these activities on your own. It might sound sad to say that I'm my own best friend, but it feels great!

Exit Music (for a Film) - Brad Mehldau
4. I play piano and I'm learning Brad Mehldau's cover of Radiohead's "Exit Music". I'm not a big Radiohead fan, but I love this version, it's gorgeous and so much fun to play.

5. I know I'm behind on the trends, but I recently discovered both 30 Rock and Chuck Klosterman, and I can't get enough of either of them.

6. A website I've found fascinating as of late is stopsylvia.com , an anti-psychic Sylvia Browne page devoted to exposing the fraud she so clearly is. As someone with an interest in the afterlife, I'd read a couple of her books casually without forming a strong opinion on her. This website changed all that. It's absolutely infuriating what this woman does. She actually will give people medical diagnoses based on her "psychic" powers (which can discourage them from seeking proper medical advice if she says they're fine), but perhaps most appalling is the "work" she does regarding missing children. Two of her more well-known cases are regarding Shawn Hornbeck (she told his parents that he was dead, when he in fact was alive - you can only begin to imagine the traumatic effect this would have on them) and Opal Jennings (she told her parents that she was alive and being sold into sexual slavery in Japan, when in fact she'd been murdered in Texas - also devastating in a different manner). It's absolutely shocking that this woman is not only generally accepted as psychic, but that she's hugely popular and disgustingly wealthy. I urge you to check out StopSylvia.com, especially if you're a fan of hers.
(Another great article that sums up Sylvia Browne's fraudulence in a more condensed manner can be found here)


7. On a lighter note, I got into "Lookin Boy" while I was in vacation in the South and was distraught to return home to find that it was virtually unknown in Canada.
Y'all ready for another round of 'lookin boy'? Good, you are now. It's allll in the delivery.
(0:027...the guy on the left...Jazzy Jeff or what?)

you could say she has an individual style, she's part of a colourful time

Even though I am clearly not a fashion blog, it happens all the time* that I am often approached with this sort of thing: "Hey, I am attending an obscure event and I would like you to shamelessly plug your friend's vintage store by giving me suggestions of what to wear."
It is true that my mostly companion has an online vintage store, but the fact remains that I have no experience with fashion styling (though much experience in obscure events).
"I understand that you are not explicitly a fashion blog," the reply often** comes, "but you clearly have a most delightful taste in so many categories, I could not see how you could possibly fail."
How could I argue with that? (Though I know someone who could: One of the harpies at my friend's Catholic school ended up rushing over to me when I was visiting once, yelling "Uniform infraction!" just because my sweater had innocently slipped off my shoulder - with all the fuss she made you would've thought I was rolling around on the ground with my legs in the air, crying wantonly "I am a woman of loose morals - come get me, boys")

Situation:
"This morning I received in the mail an invitation to attend a picnic for dwarves. I am not personally a dwarf but I am of very small stature.
The picnic is to be held in a meadow that is known for its mosquitoes. I am not particularly adverse to mosquito bites, except on my arms.
The mother of my gentleman friend is also attending and she has a known passion for famous vintage labels of the 1960's and 70's. I would like to impress her with my choice.
The invitation also specified 'prairie chic' as the desired dress."
Solution:
Fear not, friend! I have the perfect outfit for you.
This is an authentic Gunne Sax (one of the most famous vintage labels of the 60's and 70's) prarie-style dress, with puffed netting arms. It is also quite small, so if you're petite and have trouble finding clothing that fits you, look no further. I've heard your anguished cries of "My bust is 29" and my waist but 24"...but my hips are freeeeeee!" Hush, you will pain no more. Just click here.

Situation:
"I am a proud Goth (by the original definiton and not the tragic popular cultural misappropriation) and refuse to wear anything but black. However, my badminton club is having a Stevie Nicks-themed party. I would like to find an outfit that combines my Gothic background with Stevie Nicks' fantastic fashion sense.
Obviously I intend this for more than a one-time use, therefore this outfit could not look out of place in a cemetary, for one of my occupations involves making bouquets for funerals and I spend a lot of time in boneyards as research.
P.S. My boyfriend has a sexual fetish for bell sleeves. Usually I ignore it, but his birthday is approaching and I thought I'd indulge him..."
Solution:
C'mon, challenge me a little! We have a clear choice.
"Gothic" and "Stevie Nicks" is an obvious overlap. Your dramatic sleeve-lovin' boyfriend will spontaneously orgasm at the sight of these bad boys. And this outfit was practically designed for the sole purpose of lurking in graveyards. Shh, you don't have to fight anymore. It's all here.


Situation:
"My lesbian lover is graduating from engineering school this spring.
She's Russian-Canadian, I'm Filipina, and we live in Arkansas, but we've both had a life-long passion for Mexican culture. Therefore her graduation party has an express Mexian theme. Also, the party is in Florida, where it will be rather toasty come time for the event.
I am enjoy lace-utilizing haberdashery, because it makes me feel like I'm covered in snow (and by snow I mean those cut-out paper snowflakes - it's all I knew of such things as child).
I've been rubbing self-tanner on my shoulders because they get sore a lot at my job loading trucks and the only lotion I could find was bronzing. Therefore I would like to showcase my shoulders but please leave my comparatively pale stomach and thighs covered."
Situation:
They don't call me Molly Miracle Worker for nothing! Er, "they" actually don't really call me that at all. But once you see what I have for you, you just might! Feast your eyes on this sexy number.
And Kayla Hyne ain't bad either! Flaunt your sunkissed shoulders in this superbly Mexican dress. The burgandy colour will look fantastic on you, I can tell, and this dress can keep the secret of your pasty (though I doubt you're that pasty; you're Filipino!) belly and thighs. Speaking of secrets, the lace-trimming just screams that you have one or two of your own up your sleeve. And at least one of those secrets has got to be "I'm not overheating like the rest of you suckers", because while this dress will surely protect you from Us Weekly's Fashion Police, it will let the breeze cool you down. Can you believe one dress can do so much? You'll believe it once you've seen it here.


Situation:
"I am a Neil Young fan.
I want everyone I encounter to be aware of this fact.
P.S. And I gotta be authentic - no poseur bullshit!"
Solution:

Done.


Situation:
"My brother's girlfriend is one of those obnoxious holier-than-thou, PETA-type vegetarians who feels the need to remind me that with each bite of meatloaf, I am personally responsible for the torture and murder of every animal ever eaten, by humans or otherwise.
Anyway, she's having a tofu barbecue next weekend, even though it's still pretty nippy out. The attire is "formal".
I really want to piss her off."
Solution:
I can relate - PETA sucks. And remember - the enemy of your enemy is your friend.
Meet this divine fur shrug.
Cosy? Check. Versatile? Check - it can be formal or semi-formal (or casual, if you're a free spirit!) Warm? Check. Real fur? Damn straight. I don't feel like making a case for fur all over again, but if you'd like to review my previous post devoted to how awesome, badass and gorgeous fur is, check it out here. And if you've realized (correctly) that you can't live another day without knowing this fur shrug is yours, click here.

Situation:
"I have a general policy of only wearing dresses and skirts. And yet, I love versatility. Any skirt I purchase must also have the bonus of being worn as a dress.

My grandmother's elderly boyfriend invited me to tea, possibly to ask my permission for her hand in marriage (I am her only living relative, besides her cousin [with whom she had a falling out a few years back due to an alarming incident involving a tea tray and a medicine ball]).
After our tea, I am attending a music festival with some of my bohemian pals.
I need a garment that is applicable to both events, as I will only be bringing a small change purse (for those temporary tattoo machines in grocery stores - I can never resist) and cannot carry a full change of clothes.
I like ethnic embroidery."
Solution:

Your needs are complex. However, with Nicola's access to fantastic clothing and my undeniable talent for problem-solving, we have your solution.

This wrap skirt conveniently doubles as a wrap dress. It is appropriate for afternoon tea with your future step-grandfather and a music festival. You like ethnic embroidery, you say? You won't be disappointed with this skirt's almost peacock feather-like design. And it allows for easy temporary tattoo flauntage. Go 'head now, girl. Love: it's just a click away.

Was your obscure event not covered?
Rest assured, there's something for everyone.

Nicola's Vintage Boutique

Because you can't find anything worth wearing anywhere else.

*In this case I am using "all the time" as a slang phrase to mean "rarely"
**Again, I'm using "often" as shorthand for "never"

in a notion ocean, daddy tropical storm, little piece of bargain home, please don't get caught, alright!

I know you, O dedicated Ashcan Rantings readers.
Your first stop on the Internet? Right here. A new post? You're all over it: you peruse (by the original definition) it three times, check out all the links, save the pictures, look up the title on Google (which you noticed for about a year now is always song lyrics), leave what you hope is a really witty comment (it isn't) and then continually check up to make sure no one comments anything wittier than you afterwards.
Yeah, I can read you like a book. I'm not saying I'm not flattered. It warms my heart (but only figuratively) to see your kind words. And at the same time, I'm not saying you're the reason I get up in the morning (the reason I get up in the morning is to caress my Eddie Hazel album and remind it that it too is loved), but my life would be a fraction less really-fuckin-rad without you.

That being said, I feel it is my duty as your guru to hip you to another amazing website.

Sup, cracked.com.
Cracked is a comedy website and....well, I won't beat around the proverbial bush...it's genius. There are many aspects to its brilliance:

There's the fantastic videos by the incomparable Michael Swaim.

6 Viral Videos that Qualify as Child Abuse

There are the interactive Craptions: "Timmy failed the 'Pick Which Tank The Fish Is In' test, confirming his parents worst fears that he was, in fact, a fucking idiot."

But, best of all, there are the lists. If you've been faithfully reading my blog (and I know you have), you'll know that I'm something of a fan of lists. From the 5 Celebrity Wikipedia Entries They Clearly Wrote Themselves to the 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings, I think I've learned more from cracked.com than I have from 12 or so years of schooling, and been more entertained than I have from eighteen billions episodes of Simpsons (and that's not to say I don't find the Simpsons amusing, because I do, it's more of a testament to the importance of cracked.com in my life)

Let's please take a moment to appreciate the epic-ness of how run-on that sentence really was.

Perhaps my favourite of all of cracked.com's articles is the 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever. A petit sample to whet your appetite:

The Lyric:
"I get paid to rip, step aside, Im'ma blow you." ("Act Like You Want It" by Black Moon)
What He's Probably Saying:
"I get paid to be awesome, now get out of my way before I shoot you."
What We Like To Think He's Saying:
"Relax, I do this for a living, move a little to the left so I can give you oral sex."

The Lyric:
"Now, I never had my dick sucked by a man befo', but you gone be the first, you little trick-ass ho." ("Dollaz + Sense" by DJ Quik)
What He's Probably Saying:
"I'm so much of a badass, you're basically a woman in my presence, so I'm gonna make you blow me."
What We Like To Think He's Saying:
"I've never done this before, you know, let a guy put my junk in his mouth. This is my first time. You little trick-ass ho."

Yeah, there's more where that came from. And you know what? It's updated daily so there's pretty much humour coming atcha faster than you can giggle at it. I know you like that.
So what are you wating for?? In case you couldn't figure out the many links above, I'll make it extra big and simple for ya.

http://www.cracked.com/

For those rare moments when Ashcan Rantings alone can't do it for you...

the first mistake of art is to assume that it's serious

"There's an important difference between 'fashion' and 'style'; it's like the difference between 'normal' and 'healthy'"

Where could such wise words have come from? Which fashion maven spake so eloquently on the topic?
Would you believe...him:

If you've seen Almost Famous (and of course you have), you're somewhat familiar with the genius that is Lester Bangs. Brilliance cannot even begin to describe his writing. When I read it, I feel like something inside me is coming alive. It is so clearly life translated to word, in the most honest, but most incendiary way.
He is, of course, first and foremost a rock critic, but I've always found his work to be way more rock'n'roll than anything he was reviewing.

"Things started to go downhill. Instead of singing about taking tea with Mary Jane and boppin' your dingus on ol' Sweet Slit Annie it was Help me God I don't know the meaning of life or I believe that love is gonna cure the world of psoriasis and cancer both and I'm gonna tell the people all about it 285 different ways whether you like it or not. And Why is there war well go ask the children they know everything we need to know, and Gee I sure like black folks even if my own folks don't and endless vinyl floods of drivel in similar veins. At that point I started to pack in and resort back to my good old ' 66 goof squat rock. I got out records like 96 Tears by Question Mark and the Mysterians, who were mysterious indeed, and re-whooped to jungle juju cackles like "Wooly Bully," which is indescribable and was recorded by a bunch of guys who drove around in a hearse wearing turbans."
-"Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung: A Tales of These Times"

Lester Bangs makes me want to live my life to the absolute fullest and write like I'm about to explode. He died in the 80's from a drug overdose, but continues to be hugely influential. If you're an interesting person (you know who you are), try to find some of his work. I hope it will do you like it did me.

"Every great work of art has two faces, one toward its own time and one toward the future, toward eternity."

without warning, the wizard walks by, casting his shadow, weaving his spells, funny clothes, tinkling bells

Last night I finally saw one of my favourite bands, Black Mountain, live and was just as un-disappointed as I had been with P-Funk. Definitely a different vibe though. Black Mountain is heavy, classic rock, like Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin. They've opened for Coldplay, which is, in my mind, an absolutely ridiculous match. Imagine going to a show, having the opening band split your fucking brains open with heavy trippiness and then having to sit through the same whimpery song (pretty much) over and over and over.
Anyway, the concert was held in a small, old church and the venue alone was killer. During the opening acts (The Whigs, pretty good, not my thing though; and Johnny & the Moon, by that point, I just wanted Black Mountain), members of Black Mountain were wandering around the audience and no one seemed to be recognizing them. Myself, being, of course, the ultimate starstruck fangirl, had to approach the keyboardist (Jeremy Schmidt) hanging out a couple pews back and ask for an autograph. He seemed really taken aback at being recognized, harassed and asked for an autograph, but he signed my address book. He asked my name, and if I lived around here, and I told him that "Wucan" was one the greatest songs I'd ever heard in my life (seriously, listen to it right now, and thank me later) and then decided I'd been lame long enough and went back to the front pew where Nicola and I were sitting. There we had one of our hourly discussion about how great life is and how lucky we are. (Nicola hadn't approached him with me because she has way more dignity than I do)
Right before Black Mountain was going to go onstage, he came back over to talk to me and I asked him why "Wucan" is called "Wucan", and he told me they never tell the press but he told us and swore us to secrecy. Obviously, I was a little bit in love at this point. Then they changed the lights from red to blue (just as I had been hoping they would) and Black Mountain started. The greatness of the concert can be demonstrated by my current hearing, or lack thereof. They played all my favourites of theirs, and sounded alternately just as a good as on LP and better. For the first part of the concert, I was sitting on the stage but then I had to go off to the back part of the church where no one was to dance and flail and whatnot. All in all, I had an absolutely fantastic time, please take the opportunity to see them if you're into rock music at all and they come your way. Afterwards, we talked more with Jeremy, about Vancouver (his hometown) and Rocket Robin Hood, just general chat and then we left, and had another discussion about how much we loved life on the bus.
In other Nicola-related-news, she's added a bunch of really awesome items to her online vintage store. We both absolutely love peacocks, especially as inspiration for clothing, and this bag is really amazing. Fringe and peacock...how could you go wrong??

The beauty of this piece is that it can be a wrap skirt or dress. The ethnic style is eternally bohemian or simply trendy.
I'm actually madly in love with this ethnic dashiki, and if it wasn't too big for me, I'd definitely buy it for myself. Props to Kayla Hyne for her mad modelling skills.
If you're into vintage at all, this is definitely worth checking out.

she's got class and style, street knowledge by the pound

I think everywhere you go in life, at times you meet people who are so great that for years after you feel randomly compelled to yell out their name in public places...or maybe even chant it.

I recently had the fortune to meet such a human being. Her name, perfect in length and structure for chanting, is Kayla Hyne.
Kayla is a rare soul. Exceptionally gifted in the department of amusing facial expressions, Kayla can perhaps best be described using words from the most classic of songs:
Shorty in down, good Lord
Baby got em up open all over town
Strictly biz, she don't play around
Cover much grounds, got game by the pound
Getting paid is a forte
Each and every day, true player ways
I can't get her out of my mind
I think about the girl all the time
East side to the west side
Pushing phat rides, it's no surprise
She got tricks in the stash
Stacking up the cash
Fast when it comes to the gas
By no means average
It's on when she's got to have it
Baby, you're a perfect ten, I wanna get in
Can I get down, so I can get in
Yes, as you can see by my pulling out the "No Diggity" lyrics, Kayla is special. She's also been on a valiant mission: to start a Kayla Hyne chant. You know, a large group of people chanting her name. Finally, Nicola and I got one going at a party last weekend...

I managed to videotape it (watch it here), and it was a good thing I did because Kayla wasn't even at the party. Study this video, children, for you have a mission set out before you.
Seriously, this would be the best thing ever.
Next time you're with your pals, hanging out, maybe a little bored, maybe a little less-than-sober, get a Kayla Hyne chant going. There's nothing to it.
Try it a little bit out loud right now, don't feel silly...
"Kay-la Hyne, Kay-la Hyne, Kay-la Hyne"
Good, you've got the hang of it. Now, next party you're at, or even if it's just with a couple friends or even by yourself. Get the Kayla Hyne chant going, film it, or even an audio recording. Then, once you've sobered up, upload it to Youtube and send me the link.
"But what's in it for me?" You whine.
Lots! First of all, it would make Kayla Hyne weep with joy. Second of all, you would have my respect and also your friends will think you're a well-connected, spontaneous and exciting person. But I know you silly little minxes....you want something tangible that you can show your grandkids.
Therefore, anyone who sends me a link of a video of the Kayla Hyne Chant will get an entire post on this blog dedicated to them. Yeah, no lie, I'll write a post all about you and how amazing you are.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Please!!!!