Hello, anyone who still finds this!
Sorry I've totally given up on this. If you're a blogging pal from days past, here are some other places on the Internet you can find me!

Twitter:
https://twitter.com/safeasmilkv

Tumblr:
http://safeasmilkv.tumblr.com/

Lookbook: (I just got it, so still learning the ropes!)
http://lookbook.nu/safeasmilkv

Thank you for all your views and support! This blog genuinely helped shape the adult I am today. Please don't judge me on some of the opinions I've previously held, as I've cringed a few times looking back on some of the stuff I said. Particularly the "how to reappropriate Aboriginal clothes as fashion" piece - yikes! And the Roman Polanski thing. Sigh...
Ah, well, just a product of this day and age when your teenage ramblings get a semi-global audience. I appreciate you reading, and any support you've given me through the years.

Molly ♥

she's on a diet while my pocket's eating cheesecake

A lot of people think that only actors, musicians and artists should be famous. I think anybody who is interesting and entertaining should be famous, which is why I love reality TV. Not all of it, but, by God, I love drama and do not want it in my life, which is why I rely on MTV and VH1 to churn out delusional people and the unbalanced few who inexplicably want to have sex with them.

Now, Canada in general is less pop culturally-driven than the US, and here the Kardashians aren't quite the megastars they seem to be in the States. I mean, we get your magazines, so we're definitely aware of who they are, but I have never heard someone in my life talking about them or their show. However, a few nights ago, flipping around cable, I came across It: Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I read enough Jezebel.com (I finally kicked my Perez Hilton habit, which is a huge relief because I can't stand the guy) to know that Kim is no longer dating Reggie Bush (sigh, swoon, squeeee for a NFL fan like myself) so I would presume the episodes currently be aired aren't recent but wow, this show is phenomenal.

Now, bear in mind that I've only seen about five episodes and they appear to be older but no matter how childish (bringing your sisters to your Lasik surgery so they can giggle and freak out, distracting the doctors), spoiled (your trainer says "eat more eggs" so you buy a bunch of chickens to keep in your backyard??) and bratty (a thirty-something woman refusing to talk to her mother for days because she forgot to come to her photoshoot) they can be, this is absolutely the pinnacle of reality television entertainment.

Like any reasonable woman, Khloe is my favourite. And by "favourite" I mean, "probably the one I would eat last if we were all trapped on a desert island" because, hey, that's the type of situation where you want the kind of comic relief she provides. Sure, I was disappointed to see her supporting my least favourite organization, PETA, but you knew she was doing it purely out of ignorance combined with weakness to the manipulative tactics they should be famous for.

The main reason I love this show is because I am fascinated by celebrity, and this is a rare show where you can watch celebrities on the rise (no, American Idol doesn't count - may that insipid monstronsity of mediocrity be forever banished to Hades) and not desperately trying to cling their final dying moment of stardom. And you gotta love these people for how much they have allowed us to invade their lives. I mean, I have officially seen the inside of Bruce Jenner's colon. Your move, Audrina.

In conclusion, all I can really say is the thought that I often find myself murmuring whilst watching the show: "It must be nice to be that rich."

some people like freakin' in the morning, some people like freakin' at night

Ahoy-hoy and a Happy New Year to you all. My much-needed New Year's Resolution? Blog more! Considering that in 2010 as a whole, I posted a grand total of not enough times, I guess I owe you another in a long string of apologies.

Truthfully, part of the reason for my lag in posting has been Dibbly Fresh. Since I started reading it, whenever I go to blog, all I think is "AHHH I WILL NEVER BE THAT CLEVER". But, really, you can't live your life worrying you don't compare to the greats. When I get dressed, I don't worry that I don't have Anita Pallenberg's wardrobe. When I open my monthly bank statement with quivering hands, I don't despair that I don't have Bill Gates' money. When I play piano, I don't concern myself with Beethoven spinning in his grave (which is partially because Beethoven never played what is now considered to be the piano. He died before it was finished. What he composed his music on an earlier, different version. If Beethoven heard me playing piano, he would probably be more interested by the instrument than whatever the hell I was doing. This is how I think, okay!)
Since it has been almost a year, it's really most important that I let you know

10 Songs I'm Into at the Moment:

1. "I Can't Wait" by Sleepy Brown featuring Outkast
It is very unlike myself to want an Andre 3000 verse to end, unless it is to let me squeeze in an "I do" at our wedding, but I just wish they'd put his verse at the end, because when I put this song on, I am so anxious to get to Sleepy's smooth "Oooh, baby, come on". Not that Andre "Chameleo Salamander" 3000's verse isn't amazing, because it is. The beauty of this song is the soul-funk in Sleepy Brown's amazing, Stevie Wonder-like voice.
Normally, I wouldn't advise willingly becoming a hostage to the man holding up your neighborhood pancake joint, but I can't judge the girl in this video. Andre had me at "You hoped to meet a gentleman one day, well this is that".



2. "I Can Change" by John Legend feat. Snoop Dogg
Look, I want to like Snoop Dogg. He seems like an amusing guy. He coaches a preteen football league! But he's really making it tough for me. Get off this beautiful soul jam, Snoop! "I can make your zoom-zoom go boom-boom?" Is that supposed to be romantic? Because it sounds like a car bomb threat to me.
All lame rap ad-libs aside, I wasn't super familiar with any of John Legend's work before, but I'm thinking I should start investigating. This song is amazing.



3. "Remember (Walkin' In the Sand)" by the Shangri-La's
I'm not crazy about early 60's girl groups, but this song has a dark, almost ominous quality to it that makes me giddy.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no" is my favourite part.


4. "Make Ups 2 Break Ups" by Method Man feat. D'Angelo
One of the thing you, dear readers, have been deprived of since I stopped blogging an insane amount of time ago is my obsession with D'Angelo. The guy kills it on a regular basis, except for, oh, that pesky little arrest in 2010 for soliciting a blow job for $50. Crack kills, kids...brain cells and careers.
After exhausting the Voodoo album, I found this little gem. Sure, D'Angelo is restricted to one line, repeated, the one song and there is a crazy mixed-message vibe going (Method Man rages on and on about how much he hates his ex-girlfriend and how he'll never get back together with her, while D'Angelo croons "I'm still in love with you, babe"), but if you pair a great rapper and a soulful singer, I'm there. Listening, John Legend?


5. "Monster" by Kanye West feat. Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj, Bon Iver and Rick Ross
Epic douchebag, sure, but Kanye West is famous for a reason: He is brilliant at what he does. He hasn't released a single I've loved since "Can't Tell Me Nothin'", so I was pleasantly surprised by the latest (and the delightfully disturbing video). Kanye's verse is fantastic ("Goose and Malibu, I call it Mali-BOOYAH"; the sarcaphogus line always gets a giggle out of me), Jay-Z's is sold if unspectacular, but Nicki Minaj, from whom I've never heard previously anything particularly thrilling, hits it out of the ballpark and down the street ("Just killed another career, it's a mild day"). Rick Ross just mumbles something generic for two lines, so I don't even know why he bothered showing up.


6. "Def Squad Meets Flipmode Squad" by Def Squad (Jamal, Redman, Keith Murray) and Flipmode Squade (Busta Rhymes, Rampage The Last Boy Scount, Lord Have Mercy)
If I had to pick the most all-around lyrically killer, rollin'-in-yo-caddy hip-hop song, I'd probably go with this one. Off Busta Rhymes' first album, each rapper really brings their A-game - no filler.


7. "Closet Freak" by Cee-Lo
Yep, I'm also lovin' "Fuck You", but my favourite Cee-Lo is still this funky number off "Cee-Lo Green Is A Soul Machine". He's so versatile, from rapping to singing, from Dungeon Family to Gnarls Barkley. Does anybody else remember his daughter on My Super Sweet 16? Just me? Alright.


8. "Fear Da Tiger (Who Dey?)" by Bootsy Collins and the Cincinnati Bengals
Okay....for musical quality alone, this song doesn't quite pass muster with the rest of the list. However, I am a huge NFL fan (despite my residency, Canadian football is an oxymoron) and Cincinnati is my second favourite team (after the Carolina Panthers...and before any of you savvy NFL fans ask, yes, it's been a rough season), so when I learned they did a song with BOOTSY FREAKIN COLLINS, I knew no matter how much it would inevitably suck, I would love it.
And yes, the players rap.


9. "One More Drink" by Ludacris feat. T-Pain
This video is brilliant by Ludacris standards, so that really says something. Featuring T-Pain and Big Boi? When I get to the very heart of my T-Pain adoration, it is his dancing. So if Ludacris has ever made you smile, you will enjoy this video.


10. "Hayloft" by Mother Mother
Arctic Monkeys aside, I'm hardly a modern rock fan, but I've been really enjoying this track lately! I don't know how famous these guys are in North America, since they are pretty wellknown here, but semi-local. I'm diggin' the girls and the riff, and it's mixes things up a bit amongst all the hip-hop/R&B in my life right now.

are you putting us under? cuz we can't take our eyes off your t-shirt and ties combination

When I'm in a tough spot, I like to curl up with mtv.ca (Yes, we have an MTV Canada; "They just can't seem to get anything right up there, can they?" -Gavin Volure) and enjoy a little trashy reality TV. But since "16 & Pregnant" only comes out once a week, sometimes in cases of extra apathy, I have to venture out of my usual teen-mom canon and experiment with other MTV reality shows.

Yeah, I really should be reading.
A book, even.

Anyway, just now I decided to try watching My Life as Liz, as it seemed to at least be more interesting than The Hills (though, really, what isn't?)

I actually had to stop watching partway through because I was filled with such annoyance that I felt a rant coming on...and what better place to pour out my feelings than on my very own blog - and I'm sure Liz has one of her own because she is just so delightfully alternative.
I have never met the girl, so I cannot claim to have a problem with her but I cannot stand her phenomenally contrived persona. I guess she's supposed to be the Paramore crowd's answer to Lauren Conrad, but in this day and age, the unnatural-hair-colour-sportin', eye rollin', handheld-video-camera-wieldin', awkward-guy-friend-having, sarcastic "rebel" has become as obnoxious a stereotype as the bottle blond cheerleader type. Quirkiness is less endearing when it's as forced as this.

And I can't help but feel a bit of affection for Liz's foil character, the "Barbie" Taylor Terry. In the first episode, when she passive-aggressively confronts Liz's downright rude disdain for her with a "Like, what's the stereotype that, like, you think that people would, like, put me in?" (cue Liz's ironic glace into the camera - Taylor shows her who's the real bitch, matching her look with an aggressive glare) She obviously at least has a sense of humour about herself, filming a cutesy montage of her as a Barbie doll. In an online profile, she states "I hate girls with baby voices", "I eat like a man" and "I don't like the colour pink" - this girl's alright.

Now, bear in mind, this is mostly a snap judgement from seeing half of the first episode. However, one of my pet peeves are people who blanketly judge all religious people for being judgmental, based on a few extremists, and I feel that in a way this is what Liz does. She whines and whines about how people in her town judge anyone for being different, but all she does is judge other people. She thinks she's so superior to Taylor Terry and her clique just because she stopped trying to be like them - which, she indicates in the beginning of the episode, she only did because her former friends shunned her. Her "epiphany" was practically forced onto her by the very people she so bitterly hates...but it's not personal or anything.
I know what you're thinking: Holy crow, (yeah, I know you say "Holy crow", don't fight it) this chick (meaning ME) is a triple hypocrite - she's judging Liz for judging other people for judging.
The difference? I'm not criticizing Liz the person, but Liz the MTV character. And once you're an MTV character, you're opening yourself up to this kind of thing: blogs are the heart and soul of television these days.
Actually, I just un-paused it for a minute, and must give Liz major props for admitting that Taylor Terry "isn't that bad". Baby steps...
The fact that this is on MTV makes it nearly impossible for me to believe that Liz is any more genuine than Heidi Montag's face (and I am instantly embarassed by the laziness of that analogy) - how did a girl like this get a TV show anyway?
Because she wanted to be on MTV. So the difference between Liz and The Hills ladies (whom, for the record, I do find 10 times more despicable than Liz, despite the rest of this sentence)? Those blondies are at least honest about their shallowness.

i brought you in the back just to have a conversation, really think you need some ventilation

My Potentially Controversial Opinions on Various Topics:

If you don't care, stop reading now.

Rihanna:
Look, I don't demand much from a pop star. The lyrics can get lazy (I still love you old-school Black Eyed Peas). You don't have to sell out stadiums (Amerie forever holds a place in my heart). You don't even have to be that great of a singer (Britneyyyyy). But I do want a pop star to have something, that quote-unquote "It factor". CHARISMA. This is why I can't stand Rihanna.
Don't get me wrong. I love her song "S.O.S." and that will likely never stop. However, it's not as though no one else could have made that song great. In fact, it would have been massively improved without her dull, intoning voice. That song's greatness is the production and the sampling. That Rihanna is the singer is pure chance.
What I strongly dislike about her ("hate" is such a strong word) is that she has no personality whatsoever. Is that just me? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here!
Does nobody else on this planet notice that her eyes are like an emotionless void. She just seems so dead all the time. And I think her new "bad girl" image is painfully contrived.
She seems like the kind of girl who just does what she's told and it pisses me off how she's becoming a symbol of strength. This ain't Tina Turner, guys.
Though, clearly, I'm the one who is missing something here, because she is wildly successful. And you know what? I'm wrong. It's because of her distinct lack of genuine personality that she has thrived so. She is the "perfect" pop star because she can be whoever suits the record label's interests best.
That won't build you a nice warm nesting in the inviting place that is my heart, RiRi.

Roman Motherfucking Polanski:
Now, I am a big fan of Roman Polanski's work, and I adored his autobiography, but I'm not simply blindly defending him when I say let him go! My two main reasons for this:
1. He is clearly not a continued threat. Since the situation in the 70's, there has been no further complaints. He has settled down and married.
2. This is the more important one, in my opinion. His "victim" has repeatedly begged the court to not pursue the case.
What is the reason sex offenders are prosecuted? To prevent further incidents and to avenge the victim. If he isn't a threat and the victim desperately wants the case dropped, what purpose are we serving?

Am I saying celebrities should be exempt from the law? Not necessarily. But I do think high-profile artists like Roman Polanski should not be treated like your average neighborhood pervert. And that's just my opinion.

T-Pain:
People find this surprising but I love. T-Pain. And yes, you have to pause after that "love" to get the proper emphasis. No, I don't like everybody and their step-third-cousin using AutoTune, but everything in moderation, people, and T-Pain owns that shit. I've raved about his genius ("And let me assure you: I use that word often" - Tracy Jordan) before. I had a lot to say on the subject but it was simply the same themes over and over: subversive yadda yadda, statement on the depth of human emotion yadda yadda, really sweet dance moves yadda yadda, P-Funk-esque top hat...
I also have a playlist on my iPod called "I'm T-Pain, you know me"

Family Circus:
People who know me well know a few things: I have a deep, semi-unexplained love for Scatman Crothers (mostly based on the awesomeness of his name), I cannot sleep with a TV or light on and I will get huffy until that is remedied and I have a blind rage for Family Circus that I can rant about for minutes. I'd say hours, but, really, let's be reasonable.
I believe Family Circus is the devil disguised in an "innocent" family comic strip. Why? Because it defies all logic. It is a comic strip that is never funny. I am not exaggerating. It is literally never funny. And it's not even amusing in a so-bad-its-good way. More often than not, I can't even see anything that remotely resembles a joke. Sometimes its like, "alright, nice try, Family Circus, but that joke wasn't funny". But usually it's like, "That is just a sentence. I cannot even detect an attempt at a joke."
Oftentimes, I like to play a game with myself where I read the comics and judge what percentage of times that a comic strip is entertaining. For example, Doonesbury is funny 95% of the time, Dilbert is funny 80% of the time, Hagar is funny 10% of the time...Family Circus is the only one that scores 0%.

My theory: the author's idea of funny is getting paid for this bullshit.
A rudimentary understanding of the concept of infinite doesn't automatically translate to "funny", guy.

he's a god, he's a man, he's a ghost, he's a guru

God, it's good to be back. I almost stumbled into an ill-timed bought of writer's block but luckily Lexie was to the resue, demanding "a list of your ten fave albums/singles/artists/however you want to post this from 2009".
Do-able!

I'm not sure if she means my favourite albums/singles/artists prominent in 2009, or just the songs I was most into in 2009. The is latter is way too hard so behold, in no particular order:

My Top 10 Favourite Albums/Singles/Artists of 2009


"Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga (video)
My ''relationship'', if you will, with Lady Gaga seems to be repetitive. I hear her new single and think "Eh, not quite on par with the last one". Then I see the video and enjoy it so ferociously that my obsessive YouTube viewings of it cause me to fall in love with the song. The best of her videos? "Paparazzi". It reminds me of a Jacqueline Susann novel (specifically Once Is Not Enough). Glamour on an extreme, histrionic level. The wheelchair and neckbrace were truly the icing on the cake.


"LoveSexMagic" by Ciara (song & video)
I don't know what it is, but I've always had a strong love for Ciara. Perhaps it's that her song "Promise" is one of the most beautiful Prince rip-offs I've ever heard, but I'm always interested in her new single. This one did not disappoint (as so, so many have). And, as much as I can't stand Justin Timberlake's cocky attitude, the video is killer too. I'm a sucker for a good afro.


"For Your Sorrow" by Big Boi feat. George Clinton and Too Short (song)
When I hear there's an OutKast song featuring George Clinton, you'd practically need industrial strength bungee cords and about three ounces of strategically placed SuperGlue (use your imagination) to hold me back. This one did not disappoint (besides its lack of Andre). From George's opening wheeze of "This is the dope on dope, smoke but don't choke on, its the shit. Plenty bloody junkies have been known to croak, but let's still toke up, it's the bomb" (I'm just guessing here...it is George, afterall) to Big Boi's "Stank you very much", this song is the sleazy Parliakastament Thang we've all come to know and love....from their one other collaboration.


This Is It by Michael Jackson (movie)
I'll say it flat-out ("with love", as MJ would say): the song blew. It is truly tragic that Michael Jackson's final single would be so mediocre. And that's the last I'm going to say of it, because out of extreme respect for Michael, I'm going to pretend it doesn't exist. The film, however, was fantastic. Tasteful, loving and revealing, it shows Michael how we should remember him: as a musician through and through. It is astounding and fascinating to watch him direct the musicians. He just knows music so well. For me, its still a toss-up between Michael and Prince as to the greatest performer of all time, but to anybody who enjoys pop music, this documentry will not disappoint.


"D.O.A." by Jay-Z (song)
2009 was also the year that I fell in love with Jay-Z and, despite my preference for his first album Reasonable Doubt, this cut proved he still got it.
"This ain't a number one record...this is practically assault with a deadly weapon"


"Red Right Hand" by the Arctic Monkeys (song)
I still haven't copped Humbug (though Christmas is tomorrow...) but I've been quite impressed with the Arctic Monkeys' new-ish sound. "Crying Lightning" was awesome too, but I think I slightly preferred this one.


"Honey" by Erykah Badu (song & video)
I know I've raved about this gorgeous soul song before, but you really must see the insidious and oh-so-clever video. You know 00:51 is my favourite moment. (If you didn't catch the reference, check it)

"3" by Britney Spears (song)
Ever since I got into Britney Spears a couple years ago (and that was a weird enough adjustment in itself), I've felt like the holiday season was truly her time. The past two Christmases my sister's present to me was her new album. Unfortunately, her "new" album this year is a greatest hits compilation, so I just went straight for the filthy single.
It's about threesomes, nuff said.


"Rockin' That Shit" by The-Dream (song)
I flat-out love this Prince rip-off. The explicit version is necessary, even though I adore the word "thang", because the clean version cuts out "bra". What fresh hell...?


"Drink in My Cup" by Electrik Red (video)
Electrik Red is to The-Dream what Vanity 6 were to Prince (on a much, much smaller scale of course), so you know I was intrigued. Most of their shit didn't blow me away, but I cannot get enough of the divine trashiness of this video. Why am I not getting into barfights and stealing chicken drumsticks from the kitchen? Oh yeah, cuz I'm not old enough to get into bars yet.
Still, that is no excuse. Bathroom stall dance sesh in T-minus, 5, 4, 3...

oh, i says the damndest things last night when i was running game...

Wow....Jesus....there are no words, really.

I haven't posted in 2 and a half months, and part of the reason I've been putting it off so much is because I feel like my return must be EPIC, a post that will be linked and gossiped about, a post that, perhaps, might even warrant a Youtube tribute video to the tune of "Walkin' On Sunshine". Unfortunately, said post never quite popped into my head fully formed so please bear with me while I try to get back into the schwang of thangs.

Excuses for my behaviour? (Or lack thereof, really) Well, I can dish em all out - new job, new boyfriend, new Betty Davis album - but it all comes down to who cares? I still mourn the devastating abandonment by Emma of her brilliant blog (2 years and counting, R.I.P. bbgurl), but all I can do is throw on the explicit version of "Sexy Can I" and wait for slow, gentle death.

Where to even begin?? I almost just threw myself off on a For the Love of Ray J tangent (glorious! Flavour of Love with an actually-attractive host!), but I have resisted.

I guess I should come bearing apology gifts. Aaaaaaand, those come in the form of amusing YouTube videos! (What else?)

George Clinton - "Do Fries Go With That Shake?!"
Leave it to George Clinton. This sleazy track (featuring Vanessa Williams) and its dynamite video will sho nuff put a smile on your face. Judging by George's face at 00:52, ladies in mismatched layers make his brain cease activity, and, judging by his pick-up lines, particularly in the linguistic department.
But does it make me question using him as my "historical figure who inspires you the most" during job interviews? Not for a second.
Oh, Georgie, one day we will frolic in a giant chocolate milkshake together, our souls funking as One.

And, for a cheap laugh, the Bill Cosby Pokemon Rap. How can you do anything but chuckle?

I'm still pimping out my online vintage store Safe as Milk Vintage, so...

...if those miniscule little pictures of items I have in store now whetted your appetite, I will provide the link once again (SAFE AS MILK VINTAGE) for those of you too lazy to scroll up to find it (and don't think I'm judging - I know your pain!)

Also, if you dig my store, or just feel like giving me a little support, join my Facebook fan page. And add me up! I go by Molly Jagger (not only a reference to the divine Mick, but also the wicked Jimi song "Dolly Dagger"). Just let me know you know me through blogging!

Well, let me get this posted before something drastic happens to delay my return further!

I am home, home to you.

Love me.